What if you could ask every question you always wondered about? What if you had the courage to ask anyone everything you've wanted to...
What if you did ask every question you worried about asking?
What would come from your lips?
For me I would ask if you ever cared. If you love her. If you loved her at the time. Do miss me?
Are you aware that I expect time from you? Do you know that I drop my own plans for you at times and I feel like you don't care about me half as much? Do you know that if you make plans with me I feel like you'll never follow through? Do you know I never confront you about your own feelings because I'm afraid you'll cut me out? Why can't you say I love you? Why do you never believe me? Why when I say yes it's not enough, but when I say no it's catastrophic? If I called you today, this moment, you would come for me? What would happen if I disappeared? Why did you choose me? Do you think it was by chance we met or destiny? What if we didn't meet? Would you care if we never spoke again? Do I mean anything to you now? Do you blame me? Do you know how much you hurt me daily? Do you know the depth of my fear of rejection? Do you care? Could you ever love me? Why her? What separates us?
Will asking any of these questions even change anything? What if I knew the answers? What would that change? Would my life continue on as is or would everything be irrevocably different?
Just some food for thoughts.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Friday, January 24, 2014
Dear Husband
Dear Husband,
I don't know who you are. I don't know what you look like. I don't know how tall you are or what color your eyes shine in the sun.
I don't know what your voice sounds like or where your parents are from. All I know is I love you but am so terrified to meet you, and if the Lord is good, as I know He is, He'll keep us apart for a time more.
I am in no way shape or form ready to meet you right now. My heart aches for you, some days you could even call it yearning, but most days, I'm afraid of meeting you. If I were to meet you right now, it'd be catastrophic. I'm just realizing the depths of my independence from God and my dependence on men.
I'm afraid of meeting you and not being ready to marry you. I mean, I know we wouldn't get married immediately or anything...not like this whirlwind romance (but that'd be cool ;P )...but I can't stand the thought of meeting you in this state, in this mess.
I'm such a mess! My heart wants to be lost in your eyes and rely on your strength. And all I hear you telling me is to stop talking and look to the Lord. I hear you telling me that you are nothing and that He is everything and I cannot rely on you because you're going to let me down. That you're only human and prone to falling short. You tell me that Jesus needs to be my one and only because you're going to disappoint me.
I hear you telling me how much you love me and how beautiful I am in your eyes. I hear the way you love the Lord and see me as He sees me with every single word you speak to me.
Even as I have this hypothetical conversation with you, I feel you encouraging me to be with the Lord and talk to Him about my issues before coming to you all boohooey.
I hear you telling me Jesus loves me more than you ever could. That He sees my heart in a way you simply cannot. I hear you sighing as I say you're right with a tearful eye.
But I also hear your laughter mixing with mine. I see you rolling your eyes at something absolutely absurd that I said. I see you taking care of me when I'm sick even though I'm stubbornly trying to clean or fix my own meals.
You have and continue to encourage me to look back to Jesus.
Oh my sweet, dear, hypothetical future husband. You're not promised to me and if we were to meet, well I hope it's far into the future because the Lord has a ton of work to do on my heart before we meet. I want my identity to be in Him before I meet you. I want my insecurities to be lost in His security and protection.
I can't wait to me you, if I ever do. I know God will do great things through our love, and through His love we will do small things that He will make great!
The curse is real, my dear. When God told Eve she'd have the desire for her husband to rule over her, well that's legit. It's a challenge every day and I'm on my way out of pretending like I'll ever be not a mess. My only desire is to learn to transfer my desire for you, to a desire for Christ alone. Because in reality, and I'm sure you would have told me this and will tell me this a thousand times over, Jesus is the only one that will ever satisfy me fully.
When we do meet, I'll still be a mess, but I'll be a mess with the Lord...which I kind of already am. Hmm...
--Maggie Mae
PS: how do you feel about being called "Pooky?" ;)
I don't know who you are. I don't know what you look like. I don't know how tall you are or what color your eyes shine in the sun.
I don't know what your voice sounds like or where your parents are from. All I know is I love you but am so terrified to meet you, and if the Lord is good, as I know He is, He'll keep us apart for a time more.
I am in no way shape or form ready to meet you right now. My heart aches for you, some days you could even call it yearning, but most days, I'm afraid of meeting you. If I were to meet you right now, it'd be catastrophic. I'm just realizing the depths of my independence from God and my dependence on men.
I'm afraid of meeting you and not being ready to marry you. I mean, I know we wouldn't get married immediately or anything...not like this whirlwind romance (but that'd be cool ;P )...but I can't stand the thought of meeting you in this state, in this mess.
I'm such a mess! My heart wants to be lost in your eyes and rely on your strength. And all I hear you telling me is to stop talking and look to the Lord. I hear you telling me that you are nothing and that He is everything and I cannot rely on you because you're going to let me down. That you're only human and prone to falling short. You tell me that Jesus needs to be my one and only because you're going to disappoint me.
I hear you telling me how much you love me and how beautiful I am in your eyes. I hear the way you love the Lord and see me as He sees me with every single word you speak to me.
Even as I have this hypothetical conversation with you, I feel you encouraging me to be with the Lord and talk to Him about my issues before coming to you all boohooey.
I hear you telling me Jesus loves me more than you ever could. That He sees my heart in a way you simply cannot. I hear you sighing as I say you're right with a tearful eye.
But I also hear your laughter mixing with mine. I see you rolling your eyes at something absolutely absurd that I said. I see you taking care of me when I'm sick even though I'm stubbornly trying to clean or fix my own meals.
You have and continue to encourage me to look back to Jesus.
Oh my sweet, dear, hypothetical future husband. You're not promised to me and if we were to meet, well I hope it's far into the future because the Lord has a ton of work to do on my heart before we meet. I want my identity to be in Him before I meet you. I want my insecurities to be lost in His security and protection.
I can't wait to me you, if I ever do. I know God will do great things through our love, and through His love we will do small things that He will make great!
The curse is real, my dear. When God told Eve she'd have the desire for her husband to rule over her, well that's legit. It's a challenge every day and I'm on my way out of pretending like I'll ever be not a mess. My only desire is to learn to transfer my desire for you, to a desire for Christ alone. Because in reality, and I'm sure you would have told me this and will tell me this a thousand times over, Jesus is the only one that will ever satisfy me fully.
When we do meet, I'll still be a mess, but I'll be a mess with the Lord...which I kind of already am. Hmm...
--Maggie Mae
PS: how do you feel about being called "Pooky?" ;)
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Welcome to My Quarter-life Crisis
I'm terrified.
I'm afraid of having to be a "real" adult. I'm in the stage of life where school is coming to a close, and while I'm thrilled about that, it's the only thing I've known for the past 17ish years. Soon I will have to get a job or freeload off my parents, and since living with my parents again makes me consider living in my car, I will have to become employed soon.
In May I will graduate with my Associate's in Business Management. Woo! But I've never managed a business and I have little to no "real" work experience. I have had numerous jobs, but have a horrible record with hating jobs and leaving them, no matter how much I excelled at them. It's a fear of being stuck there. I love so many things, how can I be stuck at one place for such a long time?
There's never been a job I could think of that I would love as my career. I would love to get married and have a child and be a stay at home mom..but not at 23. I want to have adventure in the next few years before any of that serious love stuff starts. I want to travel! I want to write! I want to do all these things that I said I would do before I was an "adult."
I don't know what the next year holds. I don't know what kind of job I should get or apply for. I don't know if I'll use my degree. My stomach churns at the thought of a cubicle...I have this idea in my head of the same thing every day, and it's quite literally nauseating. I feel like I haven't learned anything academic in the past 5 years that will help me land a job because of my "skills"...whatever they may be.
As I sit here in my piles of fuzzy throws, robe, and now cold coffee watching my day time TV shows (Roseanne currently, Sex and the City next), my anxiety and heart quicken.
In five months I will graduate. I will be expected to get a job and live a normalish life. I don't want a normal life, I want adventure. I want surprise and love and fun and a life of unexpectancy!
Then I remember that takes money, and I have none of that. So I'll get a job, then I won't have the time. I want a job that is fun, exciting, allows me to travel, and be who I am. I know others feel similarly, but I literally fear getting a normal job.
Praying for guidance, opportunity, peace, and clarity.
Welcome to my quarter-life crisis.
--Maggie Mae
I'm afraid of having to be a "real" adult. I'm in the stage of life where school is coming to a close, and while I'm thrilled about that, it's the only thing I've known for the past 17ish years. Soon I will have to get a job or freeload off my parents, and since living with my parents again makes me consider living in my car, I will have to become employed soon.
In May I will graduate with my Associate's in Business Management. Woo! But I've never managed a business and I have little to no "real" work experience. I have had numerous jobs, but have a horrible record with hating jobs and leaving them, no matter how much I excelled at them. It's a fear of being stuck there. I love so many things, how can I be stuck at one place for such a long time?
There's never been a job I could think of that I would love as my career. I would love to get married and have a child and be a stay at home mom..but not at 23. I want to have adventure in the next few years before any of that serious love stuff starts. I want to travel! I want to write! I want to do all these things that I said I would do before I was an "adult."
I don't know what the next year holds. I don't know what kind of job I should get or apply for. I don't know if I'll use my degree. My stomach churns at the thought of a cubicle...I have this idea in my head of the same thing every day, and it's quite literally nauseating. I feel like I haven't learned anything academic in the past 5 years that will help me land a job because of my "skills"...whatever they may be.
As I sit here in my piles of fuzzy throws, robe, and now cold coffee watching my day time TV shows (Roseanne currently, Sex and the City next), my anxiety and heart quicken.
In five months I will graduate. I will be expected to get a job and live a normalish life. I don't want a normal life, I want adventure. I want surprise and love and fun and a life of unexpectancy!
Oh god...I want a movie life. The thought of something else is just...unacceptable.
Praying for guidance, opportunity, peace, and clarity.
Welcome to my quarter-life crisis.
--Maggie Mae
Monday, January 13, 2014
Too Much Vulnerability
There is such a thing as too vulnerable. I've experienced it now twice in my life, the first time a friend that let every wall she had in place fall hard and ended up with some serious spiritual oppression. The second time is right now.
Last summer the Lord decided that I still wasn't good at vulnerability, which as a human is absolutely necessary for growth. In May, right after my birthday (April) I got to use a strange technique I like to call "defensive vulnerability." Basically, I was honest and truthful while continuing to be vulnerable with some walls in place for protection. Prior to my birthday this wouldn't have even been an option because I'm a stubborn fool, but for my birthday (when I make my new year's resolutions) I resolved to be myself no matter who it was in front of. Whether that meant family or friends or guys or whatever, I was going to be me and see things through and thus developed my DV. So, I was in my DV mode and things played out in my favor because that's what God's plan was (which was a rather large confrontation).
Then in June I met the guy from my last post. It just so happened I had every single wall down. I got lazy with protecting my heart and let the vulnerability run rampant. I was sharing my guts with him or things I "shouldn't" do, but my heart jumped at the opportunity to be desired emotionally which vulnerability is required for.
As time went on, I became more and more attached to said guy, not even romantically, but I was invested because he seemed to have accepted me as I was. He didn't ask for anything in return for my company...I had never had a man do that for me. There was always a price. This price seemed to be just me, and I thought I could afford that.
So I had to create a new compartment in my brain for "nice guy" next to my other compartments of "douche" and "extra big douche." There were no other kind of guys. Just bad or worse.
Flash forward (read the prior blog for more info) to where I am now. Devastated. Unfulfilled. Vulnerable on a new scale. And he knows how I'm feeling. He wants to be friends, because we always were, but what I just realized was I can't be friends with someone I was totally and utterly vulnerable with. I had no wise DV mode with him. I was too vulnerable. The kind of vulnerability that is complete transparency. The kind that deserves to be shared with one other person in a life and with the Lord. And while he's not the source of my strife (this has been a long time coming from scars deeper than space), it might not be easy for me to move on from him.
And I don't know if I can be friends right now with him, my walls are still down and it's going to take some time and reconstruction to learn how to put them up again in a healthy manner (especially with him), but what I'm most afraid of, is learning to let them back down again. To everyone else that hasn't already reached past the sentries and spikes and gates, I'm impenetrable right now. No vulnerability, just defense.
It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do --put the walls back up. It took me years to take them down. Fortunately I am a weak and feeble nothing. And in my weakness He is strong...and whether or not I believe it (I don't yet), that is enough to get me through.
--Maggie Mae
Last summer the Lord decided that I still wasn't good at vulnerability, which as a human is absolutely necessary for growth. In May, right after my birthday (April) I got to use a strange technique I like to call "defensive vulnerability." Basically, I was honest and truthful while continuing to be vulnerable with some walls in place for protection. Prior to my birthday this wouldn't have even been an option because I'm a stubborn fool, but for my birthday (when I make my new year's resolutions) I resolved to be myself no matter who it was in front of. Whether that meant family or friends or guys or whatever, I was going to be me and see things through and thus developed my DV. So, I was in my DV mode and things played out in my favor because that's what God's plan was (which was a rather large confrontation).
Then in June I met the guy from my last post. It just so happened I had every single wall down. I got lazy with protecting my heart and let the vulnerability run rampant. I was sharing my guts with him or things I "shouldn't" do, but my heart jumped at the opportunity to be desired emotionally which vulnerability is required for.
As time went on, I became more and more attached to said guy, not even romantically, but I was invested because he seemed to have accepted me as I was. He didn't ask for anything in return for my company...I had never had a man do that for me. There was always a price. This price seemed to be just me, and I thought I could afford that.
So I had to create a new compartment in my brain for "nice guy" next to my other compartments of "douche" and "extra big douche." There were no other kind of guys. Just bad or worse.
Flash forward (read the prior blog for more info) to where I am now. Devastated. Unfulfilled. Vulnerable on a new scale. And he knows how I'm feeling. He wants to be friends, because we always were, but what I just realized was I can't be friends with someone I was totally and utterly vulnerable with. I had no wise DV mode with him. I was too vulnerable. The kind of vulnerability that is complete transparency. The kind that deserves to be shared with one other person in a life and with the Lord. And while he's not the source of my strife (this has been a long time coming from scars deeper than space), it might not be easy for me to move on from him.
And I don't know if I can be friends right now with him, my walls are still down and it's going to take some time and reconstruction to learn how to put them up again in a healthy manner (especially with him), but what I'm most afraid of, is learning to let them back down again. To everyone else that hasn't already reached past the sentries and spikes and gates, I'm impenetrable right now. No vulnerability, just defense.
It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do --put the walls back up. It took me years to take them down. Fortunately I am a weak and feeble nothing. And in my weakness He is strong...and whether or not I believe it (I don't yet), that is enough to get me through.
--Maggie Mae
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Emotional Desires- can't earn love
Every girl wants to feel desired. They want to be told by some handsome someone that they are beautiful and attractive and that all the little flaws they carry around aren't that bad.
I'm no exception. I've never felt very attractive or beautiful. It comes from childhood scars that I didn't know were so deep..but that's another story for a different time. I've always tried to convince guys to like me so I could feel pretty....
Then last semester I found someone that should have by all means made me feel desired. I was wanted. I was desired. I should have felt beautiful and attractive and sexy and wanted. And I did....for a little while.
But after a few weeks the original excitement faded and my heart grew heavy with want. I wanted to feel desired...but wait...I had felt desired. I was being desired, why was I feeling this way?
I marched on, allowing this man to make me feel attractive in some way, hoping that every hang out would lead to my fulfillment. It never did, though. Every time I left, I felt a little emptier, my heart a little heavier.
That's when the Lord spoke what was true to my heart and I'm sure to many other women's hearts:
What a mind blowing reality! I wasn't fulfilled because at the root of wanting to be desired physically, is the desire to be desired emotionally.
I'm an emotional person, more so than most. My emotions are always on overdrive, so when I was happy, I was happy! But when that didn't last, my heart was devastated. Reality set in and I knew no matter what, I could not make this man desire me emotionally.
Joy is supposed to come in the morning (lamentations reference), yet all I felt was defeat when the sun rose. When it all ended with this guy, I didn't feel more unhappiness or more emptiness, I felt the same, lasting yearning to be desired emotionally. I still go through ways in my head to make him interested in an emotional relationship rather than just a physical thing...even though I don't want him emotionally, I want him to want me emotionally...I'm a very circular thinking person.
I think --scratch that, I KNOW-- our society has poisoned women's minds by telling us we will be given that emotional satisfaction if we do x, y, or z through chick flicks and other porn for women. We have this diluted sense of having to EARN that affection.
But it's all LIES!!! We are desired in every sense of the word by the One True God! He literally gave His all for us thousands of years ago! (even if you don't believe in Jesus as the son of God, He did die for you...that was His intent while hanging out the cross. Whether or not He was legit, He died willingly for all of mankind. Let that sink in.)
I can't offer a solution to my own grief other than to start allowing the love of God to pierce my own heart. To be vulnerable with Him. And that is SO much easier said than done. I need to learn that I don't have to earn any kind of love. That it should be given as a gift without strings or condition. I honestly don't know what I actually can do that...and with the risk of sounding "Shit Christian Girls Say" cheesy, I can only do it with His strength, by faith and prayer and by giving it all to Him.
More thoughts to come on this subject, but for now I leave with this reminder and beautiful instruction:
Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient affliction, and faithful in prayer.
--Maggie Mae
I'm no exception. I've never felt very attractive or beautiful. It comes from childhood scars that I didn't know were so deep..but that's another story for a different time. I've always tried to convince guys to like me so I could feel pretty....
Then last semester I found someone that should have by all means made me feel desired. I was wanted. I was desired. I should have felt beautiful and attractive and sexy and wanted. And I did....for a little while.
But after a few weeks the original excitement faded and my heart grew heavy with want. I wanted to feel desired...but wait...I had felt desired. I was being desired, why was I feeling this way?
I marched on, allowing this man to make me feel attractive in some way, hoping that every hang out would lead to my fulfillment. It never did, though. Every time I left, I felt a little emptier, my heart a little heavier.
Until the last time I left...and I cried.
I felt so..unloved..so unhappy. Which didn't make sense. The world tells me that the way our relationship worked, I should feel like the baddest mofo in town! I was desired! I should feel strong, beautiful, sexy! I felt all the opposite. Ugly, naked, vulnerable.
That's when the Lord spoke what was true to my heart and I'm sure to many other women's hearts:
As women, we don't desire to be wanted only physically, we yearn to be desire emotionally as well.
I'm an emotional person, more so than most. My emotions are always on overdrive, so when I was happy, I was happy! But when that didn't last, my heart was devastated. Reality set in and I knew no matter what, I could not make this man desire me emotionally.
Joy is supposed to come in the morning (lamentations reference), yet all I felt was defeat when the sun rose. When it all ended with this guy, I didn't feel more unhappiness or more emptiness, I felt the same, lasting yearning to be desired emotionally. I still go through ways in my head to make him interested in an emotional relationship rather than just a physical thing...even though I don't want him emotionally, I want him to want me emotionally...I'm a very circular thinking person.
I think --scratch that, I KNOW-- our society has poisoned women's minds by telling us we will be given that emotional satisfaction if we do x, y, or z through chick flicks and other porn for women. We have this diluted sense of having to EARN that affection.
But it's all LIES!!! We are desired in every sense of the word by the One True God! He literally gave His all for us thousands of years ago! (even if you don't believe in Jesus as the son of God, He did die for you...that was His intent while hanging out the cross. Whether or not He was legit, He died willingly for all of mankind. Let that sink in.)
I can't offer a solution to my own grief other than to start allowing the love of God to pierce my own heart. To be vulnerable with Him. And that is SO much easier said than done. I need to learn that I don't have to earn any kind of love. That it should be given as a gift without strings or condition. I honestly don't know what I actually can do that...and with the risk of sounding "Shit Christian Girls Say" cheesy, I can only do it with His strength, by faith and prayer and by giving it all to Him.
More thoughts to come on this subject, but for now I leave with this reminder and beautiful instruction:
Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient affliction, and faithful in prayer.
--Maggie Mae
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Undeserving of His love: saying Yes
I'm a horrible person.
No really, I am. I have this fantastic Man in my life that provides all I need every day. He gives me food, shelter, love, fulfillment, grace, guidance...well the list goes on.
And every day, I spit in His face. I can't even tell Him the simplest of yes's.
I was reading in Luke 1 the other day. Part of an advent thingy. I was overwhelmed by what I read.
God was asking Mary to do something that was unthinkable in her time: pregnancy before marriage. He asked her to be called a whore, a slut, a heathen all for His glory. While her cousin would be considered miraculous (Elisabeth becoming pregnant after "her time" aka menopause). Elisabeth's pregnancy would be astounding and feasts would be had in celebration! Congratulations would be in order, showers given, hugs received, help offered.
But not for Mary. Nope. she effed up. Everyone thought so, at least. She must have given into Joseph's lust or something. Speaking of, poor Joe. I mean...everyone was probably thinking, "Well you thought you were getting this righteous chick, but obviously she's some kind of temptress because she got you to drop your drawers or she's a cheating whore."
I can't imagine being part of the small circle that knew the truth! I'm sure they told everyone the truth, but even the truth isn't all it's cracked up to be and people often times don't believe it (I have the biggest issue with this ever..refer to my previous post).
Anyway, God was asking this of her. The hardest thing in the world for a 12-14 year old girl betrothed in those times. But she told him yes. She sacrificed her life, her good name, her everything for him. And she didn't even have the Holy Spirit with her CONSTANTLY!
It made me so sad to realize that the people in the bible like Mary, Moses, Elijah, etc etc that only had the Holy Spirit upon them for moments and they say yes and can move seas, call fire from the sky, have a baby without having sex!
And I get to live with the Holy Spirit daily. I get to have constant communication (not every now and again, but all the time) and yet, I can't say yes to the simplest of matters.
He's not asking me to birth the Savior of the world. He's not asking me to save every creature that is on the planet by building a massive boat. He's not asking me to wrestle some lion or bear or whatever and win. He's not even asking me to go stand on a street corner and proclaim His name with signs and tracts. All He's asking me is to be vulnerable with Him, myself, and others around me. All He's asking of me is to let Him love me in a way I can feel and relate. All He's asking is for me to live in obedience, and I can't even give Him that.
I suck. I don't know what I would do without grace and mercy.
I leave you with a favorite quote of mine:
No really, I am. I have this fantastic Man in my life that provides all I need every day. He gives me food, shelter, love, fulfillment, grace, guidance...well the list goes on.
And every day, I spit in His face. I can't even tell Him the simplest of yes's.
I was reading in Luke 1 the other day. Part of an advent thingy. I was overwhelmed by what I read.
God was asking Mary to do something that was unthinkable in her time: pregnancy before marriage. He asked her to be called a whore, a slut, a heathen all for His glory. While her cousin would be considered miraculous (Elisabeth becoming pregnant after "her time" aka menopause). Elisabeth's pregnancy would be astounding and feasts would be had in celebration! Congratulations would be in order, showers given, hugs received, help offered.
But not for Mary. Nope. she effed up. Everyone thought so, at least. She must have given into Joseph's lust or something. Speaking of, poor Joe. I mean...everyone was probably thinking, "Well you thought you were getting this righteous chick, but obviously she's some kind of temptress because she got you to drop your drawers or she's a cheating whore."
I can't imagine being part of the small circle that knew the truth! I'm sure they told everyone the truth, but even the truth isn't all it's cracked up to be and people often times don't believe it (I have the biggest issue with this ever..refer to my previous post).
Anyway, God was asking this of her. The hardest thing in the world for a 12-14 year old girl betrothed in those times. But she told him yes. She sacrificed her life, her good name, her everything for him. And she didn't even have the Holy Spirit with her CONSTANTLY!
It made me so sad to realize that the people in the bible like Mary, Moses, Elijah, etc etc that only had the Holy Spirit upon them for moments and they say yes and can move seas, call fire from the sky, have a baby without having sex!
And I get to live with the Holy Spirit daily. I get to have constant communication (not every now and again, but all the time) and yet, I can't say yes to the simplest of matters.
He's not asking me to birth the Savior of the world. He's not asking me to save every creature that is on the planet by building a massive boat. He's not asking me to wrestle some lion or bear or whatever and win. He's not even asking me to go stand on a street corner and proclaim His name with signs and tracts. All He's asking me is to be vulnerable with Him, myself, and others around me. All He's asking of me is to let Him love me in a way I can feel and relate. All He's asking is for me to live in obedience, and I can't even give Him that.
I suck. I don't know what I would do without grace and mercy.
I leave you with a favorite quote of mine:
Grace is when God gives us what we don't deserve;
Mercy is when God doesn't give us what we do.
--Maggie Mae
That Moment You Wake Up Looking like Crap but See Yourself Through God's Eyes
Yesterday morning, I woke up and when I looked in the mirror I saw myself in a way I've never seen before.
The night before, I had done something I have only done perhaps a small handful of times: I allowed myself to vulnerable. A friend came over to work on a paper, and we talked. Like, really talked. One, it was a guy and I have never had "real talk" with a guy before. Didn't even think it was possible. Guys in my head are either d. bags or fake and have a secret motive to being my friend. There's no in between. So my friend was a serious refresher for me. Two, he told me about some of his struggles and I was so surprised to be able to relate. Guys have feelings, who knew?! They have real life insecurities too and hate being vulnerable just as much as I do.... He told me I was complicated, but that it wasn't a bad thing. I remember exactly how those words were said.
He looked at me and said, "You're so complicated..." (said with an unbelieving voice)
Me: "I know...(said in a "I know..i'm working on it.." way.)"
Him: "It's not a bad thing! It's good. You just take a lot of figuring out. (followed by an amazingly observant explanation of why I was complicated)."
Somehow I have come to believe that being complicated was bad. It meant I was too much for any man to ever want, too much for any friend to ever put up with and truly care for. I can't say I have ever felt so exposed with a guy before. It's like he just hopped the walls I put up and proceeded to go to the market or something. I became vulnerable and let him walk amongst the walls. It was good, necessary. It set the tone for the rest of the night.
Anyway, after we finished the paper and he left, I decided I needed to get out the house. I called my best friend and drove to her and we got to talking, as we often do, and again, that vulnerability crept up again. I cried a lot, the kind of cry that reveals what you're thinking and feeling no matter how you hide your face. She spoke a lot of truth and I tried to absorb a lot, though I don't know how much I absorbed rather than was just exposed to.
God gave her some surgical devices to get into my vulnerable heart and start some necessary procedures to eradicate lies.
Basically she put some serious truths into my head to mull over (yes mull because even though my head sees the truth and doesn't argue with it, my heart does). She revealed things I believe about myself and about those who claim to care about me. I don't like being vulnerable because I feel like people will want to throw a pity party for me. They'll say things like, "Oh I'm sorry you feel that way! I love you, do you know that? You are so beautiful!" and all the other things that come with exposing your insecurities. Thankfully she didn't do that. Neither did my friend from earlier that night. They accepted me and didn't expect anything in return. Something I've never believed possible. Maybe it's why I could be vulnerable with them.
I felt attractive that morning because I had been vulnerable. My definition of vulnerable is changing. I used to think I was "an open book" because I would tell people anything they wanted to know about me. But vulnerability isn't facts about yourself. It's the "whys" and the things you believe about yourself. Tears don't always mean vulnerability. Loud laughter doesn't always mean vulnerability. When you expose your heart, that's when you become vulnerable and it will carry over into how you view yourself because that's the way God views us.
We are ALWAYS vulnerable in His eyes because He sees past the facts and past the loud laughs and the strength we consider formidable. He sees our vulnerability every day and considers us attractive. Our vulnerability comes from the Holy Spirit that lives within our hearts, and when we are vulnerable with people and ourselves, we can see the Holy Spirit through our very own eyes and we can see the beauty and attractiveness that our walls tend to hide and we can share that with others as well.
It's not easy, to be vulnerable. But in our weakness He is strong. And if strength is attractive, God is the ultimate attractiveness and we should strive for weakness in this sense, so that He may shine through and we might be able to agree with Him and see ourselves through His eyes.
--Maggie Mae
The night before, I had done something I have only done perhaps a small handful of times: I allowed myself to vulnerable. A friend came over to work on a paper, and we talked. Like, really talked. One, it was a guy and I have never had "real talk" with a guy before. Didn't even think it was possible. Guys in my head are either d. bags or fake and have a secret motive to being my friend. There's no in between. So my friend was a serious refresher for me. Two, he told me about some of his struggles and I was so surprised to be able to relate. Guys have feelings, who knew?! They have real life insecurities too and hate being vulnerable just as much as I do.... He told me I was complicated, but that it wasn't a bad thing. I remember exactly how those words were said.
He looked at me and said, "You're so complicated..." (said with an unbelieving voice)
Me: "I know...(said in a "I know..i'm working on it.." way.)"
Him: "It's not a bad thing! It's good. You just take a lot of figuring out. (followed by an amazingly observant explanation of why I was complicated)."
Somehow I have come to believe that being complicated was bad. It meant I was too much for any man to ever want, too much for any friend to ever put up with and truly care for. I can't say I have ever felt so exposed with a guy before. It's like he just hopped the walls I put up and proceeded to go to the market or something. I became vulnerable and let him walk amongst the walls. It was good, necessary. It set the tone for the rest of the night.
Anyway, after we finished the paper and he left, I decided I needed to get out the house. I called my best friend and drove to her and we got to talking, as we often do, and again, that vulnerability crept up again. I cried a lot, the kind of cry that reveals what you're thinking and feeling no matter how you hide your face. She spoke a lot of truth and I tried to absorb a lot, though I don't know how much I absorbed rather than was just exposed to.
God gave her some surgical devices to get into my vulnerable heart and start some necessary procedures to eradicate lies.
Basically she put some serious truths into my head to mull over (yes mull because even though my head sees the truth and doesn't argue with it, my heart does). She revealed things I believe about myself and about those who claim to care about me. I don't like being vulnerable because I feel like people will want to throw a pity party for me. They'll say things like, "Oh I'm sorry you feel that way! I love you, do you know that? You are so beautiful!" and all the other things that come with exposing your insecurities. Thankfully she didn't do that. Neither did my friend from earlier that night. They accepted me and didn't expect anything in return. Something I've never believed possible. Maybe it's why I could be vulnerable with them.
But when I woke up Saturday morning, I was looking as rough as I felt. Makeup runs on my cheeks, hair sticking up at odd angles from sleep and so dirty it was straight, and wearing nothing but a thin tank top and soccer shorts. But when I looked in the mirror, I felt attractive. Not necessarily just beautiful, but actually attractive.
Like someone could possibly be attracted to me, that someone could even love me just because I'm me and I wouldn't owe them anything. They would love me even though I'm complicated and emotional. I wouldn't have to change for them.
If I had been married and my husband had walked in at that moment, I would have felt attractive no matter what. I would think he would wrap his arms around me and feel the same way about me. I've never felt that way before. I've never felt like I was attractive without having a guy objectify me or disrespect me....not even a guy telling me (generally) that he thought I was cute, but only if he was a jerk about it. I know it doesn't make sense..but...anyway..moving on....
I felt attractive that morning because I had been vulnerable. My definition of vulnerable is changing. I used to think I was "an open book" because I would tell people anything they wanted to know about me. But vulnerability isn't facts about yourself. It's the "whys" and the things you believe about yourself. Tears don't always mean vulnerability. Loud laughter doesn't always mean vulnerability. When you expose your heart, that's when you become vulnerable and it will carry over into how you view yourself because that's the way God views us.
We are ALWAYS vulnerable in His eyes because He sees past the facts and past the loud laughs and the strength we consider formidable. He sees our vulnerability every day and considers us attractive. Our vulnerability comes from the Holy Spirit that lives within our hearts, and when we are vulnerable with people and ourselves, we can see the Holy Spirit through our very own eyes and we can see the beauty and attractiveness that our walls tend to hide and we can share that with others as well.
It's not easy, to be vulnerable. But in our weakness He is strong. And if strength is attractive, God is the ultimate attractiveness and we should strive for weakness in this sense, so that He may shine through and we might be able to agree with Him and see ourselves through His eyes.
--Maggie Mae
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