Crying Devil When It's Really God: Broken Rings

Have you ever heard of God breaking tangible things in our lives? Bet you haven't.

Generally speaking, when we hear something has broken that was special in our lives we have a tendency to blame Satan. But what if the blame isn't always his (which, in hindsight, he probably enjoys being blamed bc it might take away from God's glory in some way)? Sure he loves to destroy things in our lives but, I mean, God has destroyed temples and cities to get people's attentions, for goodness sake! Why can't He take things in our lives away that are material??

So, I have this ring. I love this ring. It's white gold with a pearl in the middle of what could be thought of as an opening oyster but way cuter. I've had it for a few years now. It was my mom's that her father gave her when she was around 15 or 16. I love pearls because my name means "Pearl." I had wanted a pearl ring for a good while so that I could wear it on my left ring finger in order to deter creeps or at least make someone really get to know me before they realized it wasn't an engagement ring (it looked close enough to where if you ring-checked me you'd think it was an engagement ring). A "promise ring" or sorts.

It has spared me numerous times from the awkward small talk and "Can I have your number?" questions that always come after an ambitious attraction.

However, last week God broke it. Yes. God broke my ring, literally. 

I was at work, moved the mini industrial freezer/cooler we have (not a big piece of machinery or heavy or that impressive), and when I put it back in its place against the wall, somehow my ring got hit the right way and the band cracked inward into my finger. Completely and utterly broken. I had to peel the ring off as delicately as possible, and it hurt! If I lost grip on the portion I was bending out of my finger, it went right back to where it was lodged.

Eventually I got it off and went back to work. But I was devastated! I couldn't believe my ring had just broken, but as soon as it broke, God spoke through my pain and said, "I did that. I broke your ring."  In the moment all I could think was, "F***! This hurts so badly and I might need frickin' pliers to get it off! Ugh! This is going to cost so much to repair!"

It was really interesting that God breaks something in my life and I complain about the pain. See, we normally do this in our spiritual walks: say how God is breaking us and how it's painful but it will all be for the better. Then we smile and move on, but we always give Him the credit, but when things break in the real world, we automatically assume Satan is personally attacking us. 

Never did I think God would actually make the above a real life, tangible thing for me! 

He asks me to date Him, then two days later breaks the ring that saved me from "dating" loser men and having to explain that I was, in fact, single but whatever man was flirting with me wasn't meeting my "Christian" standards.

He took my ring to make me vulnerable. To make me answer to those around me for my actions. He took my ring to say, "I'm not some loser guy. Take your ring off for me so that if I decide it's time to put an actual engagement ring on you, that finger is free."

CAUTION: TANGENT AHEAD (( He is SUCH a man! It seriously blows my mind every time I think about how great He is and how He just puts me in my place every time I get out of it. I never even knew that was something I liked until He did it....He's just teaching me so much lately about myself and about my future earthly hubby. Damn. This is good stuff. He's just seriously messing in my heart right now and I got those little butterflies bouncing off my stomach walls. ))

Back on track....after my ring was broken, I told a couple friends about the interesting experience that God just hit me with. Not a week later, one of my best friends calls me and says, "God's seriously up to something! The stone in one of my favorite rings is gone!"

Her ring wasn't an engagement ring, it was a ring of value. I told her that God wanted to take away whatever that ring symbolized for her. A couple hours later, she came to me and said her ring symbolized completion because she has this even number thing and that was her fourth ring she'd wear and it had a very special stone that can only be found in one place in the world. In fact, here's what she said,

"OMG!! Jesus is just blowing my mind to smithereens right now! So you know how I said my ring symbolized completeness to me? Well, I just realized something: God didn't necessarily "break" my ring, he just removed the most valuable element aka the stone. A ring without a stone is incomplete. Jesus is my stone! I had been walking around like I was this beautiful ring, but in reality, my most valuable element (my stone aka Jesus) was removed...."

Jesus used that to tell her she was "off track" and He missed her. He wanted to be "back" in her life. He used my ring to tell me I needed to date Him like I'd date any man and take off my security of not having to "worry" about engaging and be vulnerable and honest with people. Because, really, what girl dating any man wears a ring on "that" finger?

Don't always cry devil when things go awry. Sometimes God is just trying to get our attention in tangible ways. 

Speaking Freely: When It Just....Happens

Last night I spoke freely about God. I didn't even realize I was doing it until it happened and I felt nothing. I didn't feel guilt, shame, regret, awkward, or weird in anyway! I didn't feel like talking about God was equivalent to cussing  out an old woman who had fallen and couldn't get up (I'm not always the best at analogies).

So I walked into the house around 10:30 last night after working one of the crazy LSU football games in the Louisiana heat. I was looking rough...and when I say rough I mean people could have shouted, "Oh good lord take a bath already!" It was nasty.

When I walk in, I knew one of my roommates had a friend over because of the extra car out front. I didn't think anything of it until I walk in and see a guy sitting on the couch watching TV. I kind of just look at him, look at me, and then say, "Wow I'm sorry. I look really rough for meeting someone for the first time." He didn't care or anything but I was still exhausted and my inhibitions for life were nowhere to be found, so whatever came to mind, pretty much came out.

I didn't know if this guy was a Christian or not (still don't) but we started talking and just wherever God was in my life, I said so. Wherever God fit into my story, I didn't censor it. If I spoke of something Jesus had ordained, I said it. It was mind blowing because I didn't even realize what I was doing until the next morning!

See, this past week Satan has really been trying to pull me back to his level which includes being insecure in friendships and being drunk on complacency with God. I started believing (again) that I wasn't doing enough to feel like I was dating God -- as if it were something I could force myself to feel or something I could do enough of whatever to attain. And I was also thinking my friends weren't really my friends and were judging me on my past sins and mistakes instead of appreciating my new heart (still working on putting that lie down).

Then at church this morning, God let me know that I was, in fact, doing the "right" thing but it was becoming second-nature and I wasn't realizing it. Thus the conversation with my roommate's friend. It just happened. I didn't have to worry about what he thought and, honestly, I didn't care. I just talked about Jesus like He was my best friend that I have lunch dates with every day (which I kind of do anyhow...). I don't know how he received my honesty and vulnerability, but I feel like we might be friends...? Haha

Pursuing a relationship with Christ DOES NOT mean reading your bible 8 times a day, fasting 1 week a year, going to church every Sunday, going to bible study, or any other "you must do x" things you can think of. It's all about enjoying God with you 24/7. Reading your bible is just a perk! Seriously, it's already written on our hearts so technically when we accept Christ we don't have to read it, but when you do you have the information in your heart also in your mind and that's where we need it sometimes because our hearts can lead us astray more times than not. Brains and hearts do NOT always work together for your own good.

It's just really encouraging to have God sit there and tell me I'm doing what I need to. I'm not stressing about doing 'x' and I'm not stressing about not doing 'y,' I'm just enjoying His companionship and letting Him make me feel like the lady He created me to be. 

The Itty Bitty Church Across the Way: Ground Zero

11 years ago, I stood at the graveyard of 1000s of people, innocent and not. They lay scattered and torn among the rubble that was the World Trade Center in New York City.

As I took in the silent beauty and horror of the events from the previous year, allowed the terror to sink in that millions of families, friends, and fellow Americans, I noticed something miraculous. A church.

This small church resided just across the street. It was covered in ash but virtually untouched by the disaster across the street.

At the time I was not a Christian yet. Went to church and all that jazz but had no relationship with Christ. However, I still felt the awe and fear of God in that moment as I stared across the street at this itty bitty church. Somehow in the midst of the horror that we know as 9/11, this church of God remained standing while the other buildings around is succumbed to the mass destruction the Twin Towers created when they fell.

I look back on this day and understand what I felt as I stood beside that church. It was the Holy Spirit. He was there. I believe that church was protected in order to create an image that would shout leagues to non-Christians and Christians alike.  His church will stand no matter the destruction hurled at it. He will protect what is His and He will raise from the ashes. His promises are good and true.

September 11, 2001 changed my life. It made me pray. It made me love. And it made me remember. We shall never forget.

Saving the Best for Last: John 2

Too often we get callused when reading the bible. It becomes boring and monotonous to read. I stopped reading it a good while back, if I'm honest. It's not that I don't think reading the Word isn't important, I do. I just haven't ever really done it. That just changed, however. I've been reading John. Don't get too excited, I'm only in chapter 2 ;)

You may wonder what lead to this new reading habit. Well, cool story ahead!

This past Thursday, at my community group, God broke through me. I described it to one friend as "He screamed beautifully into the dark spots of my heart." I have been trying to figure out how to reveal these hidden spots that I haven't allowed God's light to touch just yet. That's the whole "Freedom in Christ" thing I've been dealing with.

During our worship time, God began to ask me to give him my heart. I countered him with things like "but this person made me feel this way, and I liked it, and this made me feel like this so I like it.." so on and so forth. That's when he spoke something my heart had never accepted before because I have issues, like I like to control people around me and have them make me feel good and when they disappoint me I move on to the next thing that will give me that "high." (The "he" in this is the men I've dated or given my heart to in one way or another and just my sins in general..in another post their known as "Bobert".)

I can make you feel the way he did. Every good thing any he has made you feel, I can give you. I can make you safe. I can make you warm. I can make you happy. I can take your insecurity. I can tell you you're beautiful and make you feel it. I can make you feel worthy of commitment. I can give you peace. I can be that shoulder. I can be that man. Let me be your man. I will respect you. I can be trusted. I will be faithful. I promise you all these things, my sweet bride. My sweet beautiful daughter, my princess. I love you. Don't think of how. Just let me do what I do. Let me love you and I promise I will make you fall in love with me like you have fallen in love before. Just give me the chance. 7 years ago you gave your life to me, trusted your eternity with me. Now trust your heart to me. Give your heart to eternity with me. Please. I love you.

Basically, he proposed. He asked me to let him pursue me. When I questioned what that looked like he told me he had already written me this amazing love letter (more like amazing love epic) and all I had to do was read it and let him speak to me throughout the day. Like, as if the bible was a really long text I could just pick up and feel pursued by my crush. So, I started reading in John because if you haven't read the bible, that's where it's suggested you start reading. 

So here I am, in John chapter 2 reading about Jesus' miracle in Cana. He had just changed the water to wine and the servants brought the new wine to the master of the ceremony. The master told the bridegroom how interesting it was that he saved the best for last when usually you drink the good stuff first, get everyone drunk, and then dig into the crappy stuff.

This image is how God pursues us. How relationships (romantic between man and woman) are supposed to be! Just roll with me for a minute....

When we first enter into a relationship with our crushes not sure how it will go, we pretty up. On both sides we dress nicely, shower regularly, spray perfume, put on makeup, do our hair, etc etc. But as we continue with our crush and things become more serious and you begin to know each other better, those pretty things tend to be put aside and become less important (though you should always shower regularly). The more you and your crush drink each other in as you date, the more drunk you become with infatuation and then with love (if it goes that far), you don't worry about looks (or the things you're insecure in) as much. The "best" (or what we thought was the best) has happened and it's all down hill from there. But wait! Suddenly you're engaged and planning a wedding. You continue in the comfort you two have developed over the past several months or years and not dress up tons and keep to the routine of things, but you secretly diet and work out, plan you're hairdo, makeup, and what you'll wear. Then comes the wedding day. You are both dressed to impress, especially the bride. The bridegroom weeps as he sees the true "best" realizing she had saved the best for last. She weeps because she looks down at the bridegroom as she approaches and knows he saved his best for her as well.

Through their journeys together they did not use each other up, but Jesus came in and once they were just water, he turned them into the best wine that was reserved for the end, for marriage. The wine that's meant to be enjoyed last and most thoroughly because you no longer have the insecurities and inhibitions you once did when you first started dating. 

As God told me that he wanted to pursue me, that he wanted to be my boyfriend and date me and make me fall in love with him, this image is perfect. I prettied up at the beginning with God. Dressed in my best Sunday clothes, never cussed, didn't do "bad" things, and when people asked how I was, I always answered, "I'm great!" But then life happened and reality hit. I became complacent and allowed the sweatpants to enter the relationship. I slacked on communicating with Jesus and let myself become "drunk" in complacency.

Now that he's proposed, I'm getting ready for the wedding. He still sees me in my sweats. I still burp around him. He still hangs out with me even when I do the "bad" things of life. But when I die and enter into my sweet and holy union with him in heaven, he's gonna weep and so am I, because this life isn't my best wine. 

My best wine is in heaven with my eternal Groom. 

Controlling Fruit and Dealing with Guilt

Sometimes our perception and reality are so vastly different it takes us being held down and slapped to become aware.

I don't understand how some people can expect people to bend to their wants and needs in our world. Everyone is hurting and it seems like no one wants to change that cycle, but they're okay with complaining about the cycle not changing.

People don't change, not in the common knowledge sense. They grow. They mold and adapt to knew things but at the end of the day, we are still just people. There are two types of people, just kidding there's thousands of types but the one on which I'll focus on here is the victim.

There's always a victim, there's always a hero, and there's always an antagonist. For whatever reason the victim always thinks the antagonist is this horrible person that doesn't change and won't adapt. But is that really what an antagonist is? I don't think so. What if the "villain" had a bad day? What if the villain and the "damsel" just will never get along?

I hate that fairy tales have told us from the moment we took breath in this world that we need to be saved by something tangible and people need to change to fit OUR lifestyles. I mean really, how selfish are we?!

No. We need to grow and adapt to fit God's ways. Our ways suck. We expect apples to become oranges and when it doesn't happen we get upset and throw a tantrum. Then we wait a while and try again. When we reach the same result (apple stays apple) we get pissed again! We so desperately need to give God the control. If we know an apple and it needs a little changing, yelling at it, punishing it, and trying to force it to change its behavior as an apple will never work!

Here's the cool thing though. God can change us. He can. I am living proof he can. He can take an apple and make it agree with an orange. Notice I didn't say he would take an apple and change it into an orange. He has created us each with specific purposes and he won't change who we are but he will change how we act and react to things, if we allow him to, that is.

Today, as I continue in my journey to find freedom in Christ, I realized I had been yelling at a banana who was yelling at a zucchini who was yelling at the banana, to change into an orange. Then, when things didn't go my way I felt guilty. Like I had done something wrong. But I know guilt is not from God so I did a little talk therapy and the realization of, "It's not your fault because you can't control all those fruits and vegetables, " dawned on me.

See, humans like to be in control...it's why there's war and wealth and pain and suffering. But control is an illusion. We can only think we are in control. Never are we ever in control because God is in control and that's the reality.

Us trying to control things is like a 5 year old trying to pull the monkey bars down to the ground, completely and utterly ridiculous. But when the 5 year old gives up and realizes the poles hold up the bars and control where they 'go', he can sit back and enjoy the jungle gym as it was meant to be enjoyed.

After I realized all of this, my guilt vanished because I gave God the control. I felt free. I realized I never had control over the "produce" in my life and I never will. 

Last thing...last week my community group read and discussed Philippians 4:4-9 (I think those are the verses). The end result of my thinkings from that night were this: 

We want the second half of the passage, the peace, the joy, the freedom. We want to put our guilt away and stop feeling shame and condemnation, but we aren't willing to do the first half: pray, rejoice in the LORD, have relationship with God. But that's what the passage says to do. It's clear. Rejoice in God, petition him with prayer for your needs and you will not live in fear and guilt and anxiety.