Dear Everyone,
If you know me on any level that goes further than a passing hello, you know I've been having an extremely rough time as of late. I graduated and my transition to the real world has not been pleasant. I haven't found a job that fits me well and because of that, I'm going to be moving back to my parents' home in Metairie.
This is my “plan.” It is tentative based on what happens with the job situation.
First, I want you to understand where I am coming from because some of you have never experienced this. Some have experienced on a worse level, but I feel like nonetheless, I want to share. I am scared. I feel like I have failed and I feel stuck. I feel like I got a degree and now I’m back where I was a few years ago when I dropped out of LSU. I know I’m not and, in the long run, my degree will be helpful because it will open more doors than not having any degree at all. I didn't get a degree for nothing. All my work was not done in vain.
Second, my life is in Baton Rouge. I love it here and the idea of not living here is nearly unimaginable. Something clicked the other day, however, when my friend Emily told me about this possible job in New Orleans. I realized I’m young. I don’t have to live in Baton Rouge forever right now. I can live elsewhere and go back. My church will still be there and my friends will likely still be there or if they move away, they would have moved away even if I had stayed.
Third, I love all the people that care about my future and continue to pray for me. I have all the faith in the world God is preparing a job that will suit me well. I don’t want “just any job.” I want to feel like I have a purpose and my job is meaningful. I want to fill fulfilled. Many people will work whatever because they see a job only as a way to make money. I don’t see it that way, and I don't have to yet. I don't have a family I have to provide for yet, and I don't have a house to pay off or car notes. I want to love what I do, or at least like it. I did not like working at the bed and breakfast I worked at most recently. Maybe it was my boss and I wouldn't mind administrative work elsewhere, but I don’t know and I don’t believe it’s a wise thing to job hop until I find something I’m okay with. When people “suggest” a job for me and I reject it, they tend to make me feel judged and like I’m being stupid and failing because I chose to think of something other than what they said. I should not have to feel that way. I love that you make suggestions when they are really suggestions, but more often than not, people offer unwarranted advice and, honestly, I've heard it probably 8 times before. People are not unique when it comes to wanting to fix people. Everyone wants to fix everyone and, with that, they ask the same questions and suggest the same things. I'm not a project to be criticized and fixed. I'm searching for what I want. If you find yourself faced with someone like me, ask them if they want you to shed light onto their path at all...if they say no. It's okay. You haven't failed them.
Also, I’m a highly sensitive person (it’s an actual term if you’d like to research it). That basically means I feel things more deeply or more intensely. Graduating, finding a job, moving into a new place, the thought of moving home, the possibility of moving away from my home in Baton Rouge….all of that is really intense for me. I am scared. I feel stuck and it’s such an overwhelming feeling sometimes the only way to escape that is to zone out and watch TV or sleep (which are depression issues). I had a big meltdown last week (and the week before) and cried for hours about how stuck and overwhelmed I feel and how I have felt for the past few months. It all rushed forward in a flood of snot and salt.
I, again, more than anything am scared. I’m not good with big changes much because I’m a control freak just as much as the next person. I’m trying to be more open-minded right now.
This is my very near and dear plan:
At the end of October, I will move back home. I see it this way: why should I pay to look for jobs in Baton Rouge when I can save—at least not spend as much—money at home and look for jobs in Baton Rouge or wherever. During that time I will get a job at a local coffee shop around town and continue to live with y’all until I can afford my own place. (I actually looked on Craigslist just to see what was out there and I'm actually becoming excited about the possibilities of finding a job I enjoy.)
So that is my “plan.” That’s it. I talked to the family I live with and gave them the run down. The holiday time was going to be crazy anyway because I would be in and out on some weekends/holiday weeks so that family could use the guestroom.
My last day in Baton Rouge will be November 2. It's a Sunday.
I’m going through a really hard time with all of this. Like, really hard. I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life, other than write and it's overwhelming to not know what I want to do forever. I'm not going to get paid for writing for a long time.
I just don't know where to begin with that and showing anyone my writing is a severe act of vulnerability. It's my heart on the line.
Again, I love Baton Rouge. It's such a huge part of my heart and maybe one day I'll be back forever. But forever doesn't have to be right now. I'm finally starting to let myself be happy when I'm with my friends in these last two weeks instead of sad, and I'm beginning to get excited about moving to Metairie and working in New Orleans. I've never saved money so I'm excited about that. I'm excited to be with my kitty again. And...i dont know, I'm excited about the possibility of new.
If you're in BR and want to see me before I leave, I'm unemployed, no boyfriend, no family to take care of, and no school....I'm free. Like REALLY free. So let's hang out.
So, anyway...here's to a new adventure with God. He's the one holding me together because I'm obviously not together haha.
--Maggie Mae
