Undeserving of His love: saying Yes

I'm a horrible person.

No really, I am. I have this fantastic Man in my life that provides all I need every day. He gives me food, shelter, love, fulfillment, grace, guidance...well the list goes on.

And every day, I spit in His face. I can't even tell Him the simplest of yes's.

I was reading in Luke 1 the other day. Part of an advent thingy. I was overwhelmed by what I read.

God was asking Mary to do something that was unthinkable in her time: pregnancy before marriage. He asked her to be called a whore, a slut, a heathen all for His glory. While her cousin would be considered miraculous (Elisabeth becoming pregnant after "her time" aka menopause). Elisabeth's pregnancy would be astounding and feasts would be had in celebration! Congratulations would be in order, showers given, hugs received, help offered.

But not for Mary. Nope. she effed up. Everyone thought so, at least. She must have given into Joseph's lust or something. Speaking of, poor Joe. I mean...everyone was probably thinking, "Well you thought you were getting this righteous chick, but obviously she's some kind of temptress because she got you to drop your drawers or she's a cheating whore."

I can't imagine being part of the small circle that knew the truth! I'm sure they told everyone the truth, but even the truth isn't all it's cracked up to be and people often times don't believe it (I have the biggest issue with this ever..refer to my previous post).

Anyway, God was asking this of her. The hardest thing in the world for a 12-14 year old girl betrothed in those times. But she told him yes. She sacrificed her life, her good name, her everything for him. And she didn't even have the Holy Spirit with her CONSTANTLY!

It made me so sad to realize that the people in the bible like Mary, Moses, Elijah, etc etc that only had the Holy Spirit upon them for moments and they say yes and can move seas, call fire from the sky, have a baby without having sex!

And I get to live with the Holy Spirit daily. I get to have constant communication (not every now and again, but all the time) and yet, I can't say yes to the simplest of matters.

He's not asking me to birth the Savior of the world. He's not asking me to save every creature that is on the planet by building a massive boat. He's not asking me to wrestle some lion or bear or whatever and win. He's not even asking me to go stand on a street corner and proclaim His name with signs and tracts. All He's asking me is to be vulnerable with Him, myself, and others around me. All He's asking of me is to let Him love me in a way I can feel and relate. All He's asking is for me to live in obedience, and I can't even give Him that.

I suck. I don't know what I would do without grace and mercy.

I leave you with a favorite quote of mine:

Grace is when God gives us what we don't deserve; 

Mercy is when God doesn't give us what we do.

--Maggie Mae

That Moment You Wake Up Looking like Crap but See Yourself Through God's Eyes

Yesterday morning, I woke up and when I looked in the mirror I saw myself in a way I've never seen before.

The night before, I had done something I have only done perhaps a small handful of times: I allowed myself to vulnerable. A friend came over to work on a paper, and we talked. Like, really talked. One, it was a guy and I have never had "real talk" with a guy before. Didn't even think it was possible. Guys in my head are either d. bags or fake and have a secret motive to being my friend. There's no in between. So my friend was a serious refresher for me. Two, he told me about some of his struggles and I was so surprised to be able to relate. Guys have feelings, who knew?! They have real life insecurities too and hate being vulnerable just as much as I do.... He told me I was complicated, but that it wasn't a bad thing. I remember exactly how those words were said.

He looked at me and said, "You're so complicated..." (said with an unbelieving voice)
Me: "I know...(said in a "I know..i'm working on it.." way.)"
Him: "It's not a bad thing! It's good. You just take a lot of figuring out. (followed by an amazingly observant explanation of why I was complicated)."

Somehow I have come to believe that being complicated was bad. It meant I was too much for any man to ever want, too much for any friend to ever put up with and truly care for. I can't say I have ever felt so exposed with a guy before. It's like he just hopped the walls I put up and proceeded to go to the market or something. I became vulnerable and let him walk amongst the walls. It was good, necessary. It set the tone for the rest of the night.

Anyway, after we finished the paper and he left, I decided I needed to get out the house. I called my best friend and drove to her and we got to talking, as we often do, and again, that vulnerability crept up again. I cried a lot, the kind of cry that reveals what you're thinking and feeling no matter how you hide your face. She spoke a lot of truth and I tried to absorb a lot, though I don't know how much I absorbed rather than was just exposed to.

God gave her some surgical devices to get into my vulnerable heart and start some necessary procedures to eradicate lies.

Basically she put some serious truths into my head to mull over (yes mull because even though my head sees the truth and doesn't argue with it, my heart does). She revealed things I believe about myself and about those who claim to care about me. I don't like being vulnerable because I feel like people will want to throw a pity party for me. They'll say things like, "Oh I'm sorry you feel that way! I love you, do you know that? You are so beautiful!" and all the other things that come with exposing your insecurities. Thankfully she didn't do that. Neither did my friend from earlier that night. They accepted me and didn't expect anything in return. Something I've never believed possible. Maybe it's why I could be vulnerable with them.

But when I woke up Saturday morning, I was looking as rough as I felt. Makeup runs on my cheeks, hair sticking up at odd angles from sleep and so dirty it was straight, and wearing nothing but a thin tank top and soccer shorts. But when I looked in the mirror, I felt attractive. Not necessarily just beautiful, but actually attractive. 

Like someone could possibly be attracted to me, that someone could even love me just because I'm me and I wouldn't owe them anything. They would love me even though I'm complicated and emotional. I wouldn't have to change for them. 

If I had been married and my husband had walked in at that moment, I would have felt attractive no matter what. I would think he would wrap his arms around me and feel the same way about me. I've never felt that way before. I've never felt like I was attractive without having a guy objectify me or disrespect me....not even a guy telling me (generally) that he thought I was cute, but only if he was a jerk about it. I know it doesn't make sense..but...anyway..moving on....

I felt attractive that morning because I had been vulnerable. My definition of vulnerable is changing. I used to think I was "an open book" because I would tell people anything they wanted to know about me. But vulnerability isn't facts about yourself. It's the "whys" and the things you believe about yourself. Tears don't always mean vulnerability. Loud laughter doesn't always mean vulnerability. When you expose your heart, that's when you become vulnerable and it will carry over into how you view yourself because that's the way God views us.

We are ALWAYS vulnerable in His eyes because He sees past the facts and past the loud laughs and the strength we consider formidable. He sees our vulnerability every day and considers us attractive. Our vulnerability comes from the Holy Spirit that lives within our hearts, and when we are vulnerable with people and ourselves, we can see the Holy Spirit through our very own eyes and we can see the beauty and attractiveness that our walls tend to hide and we can share that with others as well.

It's not easy, to be vulnerable. But in our weakness He is strong. And if strength is attractive, God is the ultimate attractiveness and we should strive for weakness in this sense, so that He may shine through and we might be able to agree with Him and see ourselves through His eyes.

--Maggie Mae

Jesus gets me, and He still loves me

Ya know what? I'm a passionate woman. 

I have more energy than some people will experience in a lifetime of starbucks drinking and I enable people to do what they want and be who they are.

I have hurts and joys and loves and mistakes, but I have no regrets.

I love my life. 

I love who I am because it's how God made me. He knows what I'll do right today and what I'll do wrong tomorrow. He's my cheerleader, my counselor, my accountability. Jesus GETS me...and He still loves me. He only had to die for me once, but I know He'd do it 1803 more times if I needed it. If you don't like my crazy, if you can't handle my energy, if you can't love my shortcomings, take it up with Him. 

I'm done living for other people and trying to live up to what they think I should or shouldn't do. I'm gonna do me with Jesus right next to me helping me figure out my life the way He wants me to. 

I'm a passionate woman and Jesus loves me all the more for it.

Crying Devil When It's Really God: Broken Rings

Have you ever heard of God breaking tangible things in our lives? Bet you haven't.

Generally speaking, when we hear something has broken that was special in our lives we have a tendency to blame Satan. But what if the blame isn't always his (which, in hindsight, he probably enjoys being blamed bc it might take away from God's glory in some way)? Sure he loves to destroy things in our lives but, I mean, God has destroyed temples and cities to get people's attentions, for goodness sake! Why can't He take things in our lives away that are material??

So, I have this ring. I love this ring. It's white gold with a pearl in the middle of what could be thought of as an opening oyster but way cuter. I've had it for a few years now. It was my mom's that her father gave her when she was around 15 or 16. I love pearls because my name means "Pearl." I had wanted a pearl ring for a good while so that I could wear it on my left ring finger in order to deter creeps or at least make someone really get to know me before they realized it wasn't an engagement ring (it looked close enough to where if you ring-checked me you'd think it was an engagement ring). A "promise ring" or sorts.

It has spared me numerous times from the awkward small talk and "Can I have your number?" questions that always come after an ambitious attraction.

However, last week God broke it. Yes. God broke my ring, literally. 

I was at work, moved the mini industrial freezer/cooler we have (not a big piece of machinery or heavy or that impressive), and when I put it back in its place against the wall, somehow my ring got hit the right way and the band cracked inward into my finger. Completely and utterly broken. I had to peel the ring off as delicately as possible, and it hurt! If I lost grip on the portion I was bending out of my finger, it went right back to where it was lodged.

Eventually I got it off and went back to work. But I was devastated! I couldn't believe my ring had just broken, but as soon as it broke, God spoke through my pain and said, "I did that. I broke your ring."  In the moment all I could think was, "F***! This hurts so badly and I might need frickin' pliers to get it off! Ugh! This is going to cost so much to repair!"

It was really interesting that God breaks something in my life and I complain about the pain. See, we normally do this in our spiritual walks: say how God is breaking us and how it's painful but it will all be for the better. Then we smile and move on, but we always give Him the credit, but when things break in the real world, we automatically assume Satan is personally attacking us. 

Never did I think God would actually make the above a real life, tangible thing for me! 

He asks me to date Him, then two days later breaks the ring that saved me from "dating" loser men and having to explain that I was, in fact, single but whatever man was flirting with me wasn't meeting my "Christian" standards.

He took my ring to make me vulnerable. To make me answer to those around me for my actions. He took my ring to say, "I'm not some loser guy. Take your ring off for me so that if I decide it's time to put an actual engagement ring on you, that finger is free."

CAUTION: TANGENT AHEAD (( He is SUCH a man! It seriously blows my mind every time I think about how great He is and how He just puts me in my place every time I get out of it. I never even knew that was something I liked until He did it....He's just teaching me so much lately about myself and about my future earthly hubby. Damn. This is good stuff. He's just seriously messing in my heart right now and I got those little butterflies bouncing off my stomach walls. ))

Back on track....after my ring was broken, I told a couple friends about the interesting experience that God just hit me with. Not a week later, one of my best friends calls me and says, "God's seriously up to something! The stone in one of my favorite rings is gone!"

Her ring wasn't an engagement ring, it was a ring of value. I told her that God wanted to take away whatever that ring symbolized for her. A couple hours later, she came to me and said her ring symbolized completion because she has this even number thing and that was her fourth ring she'd wear and it had a very special stone that can only be found in one place in the world. In fact, here's what she said,

"OMG!! Jesus is just blowing my mind to smithereens right now! So you know how I said my ring symbolized completeness to me? Well, I just realized something: God didn't necessarily "break" my ring, he just removed the most valuable element aka the stone. A ring without a stone is incomplete. Jesus is my stone! I had been walking around like I was this beautiful ring, but in reality, my most valuable element (my stone aka Jesus) was removed...."

Jesus used that to tell her she was "off track" and He missed her. He wanted to be "back" in her life. He used my ring to tell me I needed to date Him like I'd date any man and take off my security of not having to "worry" about engaging and be vulnerable and honest with people. Because, really, what girl dating any man wears a ring on "that" finger?

Don't always cry devil when things go awry. Sometimes God is just trying to get our attention in tangible ways. 

Speaking Freely: When It Just....Happens

Last night I spoke freely about God. I didn't even realize I was doing it until it happened and I felt nothing. I didn't feel guilt, shame, regret, awkward, or weird in anyway! I didn't feel like talking about God was equivalent to cussing  out an old woman who had fallen and couldn't get up (I'm not always the best at analogies).

So I walked into the house around 10:30 last night after working one of the crazy LSU football games in the Louisiana heat. I was looking rough...and when I say rough I mean people could have shouted, "Oh good lord take a bath already!" It was nasty.

When I walk in, I knew one of my roommates had a friend over because of the extra car out front. I didn't think anything of it until I walk in and see a guy sitting on the couch watching TV. I kind of just look at him, look at me, and then say, "Wow I'm sorry. I look really rough for meeting someone for the first time." He didn't care or anything but I was still exhausted and my inhibitions for life were nowhere to be found, so whatever came to mind, pretty much came out.

I didn't know if this guy was a Christian or not (still don't) but we started talking and just wherever God was in my life, I said so. Wherever God fit into my story, I didn't censor it. If I spoke of something Jesus had ordained, I said it. It was mind blowing because I didn't even realize what I was doing until the next morning!

See, this past week Satan has really been trying to pull me back to his level which includes being insecure in friendships and being drunk on complacency with God. I started believing (again) that I wasn't doing enough to feel like I was dating God -- as if it were something I could force myself to feel or something I could do enough of whatever to attain. And I was also thinking my friends weren't really my friends and were judging me on my past sins and mistakes instead of appreciating my new heart (still working on putting that lie down).

Then at church this morning, God let me know that I was, in fact, doing the "right" thing but it was becoming second-nature and I wasn't realizing it. Thus the conversation with my roommate's friend. It just happened. I didn't have to worry about what he thought and, honestly, I didn't care. I just talked about Jesus like He was my best friend that I have lunch dates with every day (which I kind of do anyhow...). I don't know how he received my honesty and vulnerability, but I feel like we might be friends...? Haha

Pursuing a relationship with Christ DOES NOT mean reading your bible 8 times a day, fasting 1 week a year, going to church every Sunday, going to bible study, or any other "you must do x" things you can think of. It's all about enjoying God with you 24/7. Reading your bible is just a perk! Seriously, it's already written on our hearts so technically when we accept Christ we don't have to read it, but when you do you have the information in your heart also in your mind and that's where we need it sometimes because our hearts can lead us astray more times than not. Brains and hearts do NOT always work together for your own good.

It's just really encouraging to have God sit there and tell me I'm doing what I need to. I'm not stressing about doing 'x' and I'm not stressing about not doing 'y,' I'm just enjoying His companionship and letting Him make me feel like the lady He created me to be. 

The Itty Bitty Church Across the Way: Ground Zero

11 years ago, I stood at the graveyard of 1000s of people, innocent and not. They lay scattered and torn among the rubble that was the World Trade Center in New York City.

As I took in the silent beauty and horror of the events from the previous year, allowed the terror to sink in that millions of families, friends, and fellow Americans, I noticed something miraculous. A church.

This small church resided just across the street. It was covered in ash but virtually untouched by the disaster across the street.

At the time I was not a Christian yet. Went to church and all that jazz but had no relationship with Christ. However, I still felt the awe and fear of God in that moment as I stared across the street at this itty bitty church. Somehow in the midst of the horror that we know as 9/11, this church of God remained standing while the other buildings around is succumbed to the mass destruction the Twin Towers created when they fell.

I look back on this day and understand what I felt as I stood beside that church. It was the Holy Spirit. He was there. I believe that church was protected in order to create an image that would shout leagues to non-Christians and Christians alike.  His church will stand no matter the destruction hurled at it. He will protect what is His and He will raise from the ashes. His promises are good and true.

September 11, 2001 changed my life. It made me pray. It made me love. And it made me remember. We shall never forget.

Saving the Best for Last: John 2

Too often we get callused when reading the bible. It becomes boring and monotonous to read. I stopped reading it a good while back, if I'm honest. It's not that I don't think reading the Word isn't important, I do. I just haven't ever really done it. That just changed, however. I've been reading John. Don't get too excited, I'm only in chapter 2 ;)

You may wonder what lead to this new reading habit. Well, cool story ahead!

This past Thursday, at my community group, God broke through me. I described it to one friend as "He screamed beautifully into the dark spots of my heart." I have been trying to figure out how to reveal these hidden spots that I haven't allowed God's light to touch just yet. That's the whole "Freedom in Christ" thing I've been dealing with.

During our worship time, God began to ask me to give him my heart. I countered him with things like "but this person made me feel this way, and I liked it, and this made me feel like this so I like it.." so on and so forth. That's when he spoke something my heart had never accepted before because I have issues, like I like to control people around me and have them make me feel good and when they disappoint me I move on to the next thing that will give me that "high." (The "he" in this is the men I've dated or given my heart to in one way or another and just my sins in general..in another post their known as "Bobert".)

I can make you feel the way he did. Every good thing any he has made you feel, I can give you. I can make you safe. I can make you warm. I can make you happy. I can take your insecurity. I can tell you you're beautiful and make you feel it. I can make you feel worthy of commitment. I can give you peace. I can be that shoulder. I can be that man. Let me be your man. I will respect you. I can be trusted. I will be faithful. I promise you all these things, my sweet bride. My sweet beautiful daughter, my princess. I love you. Don't think of how. Just let me do what I do. Let me love you and I promise I will make you fall in love with me like you have fallen in love before. Just give me the chance. 7 years ago you gave your life to me, trusted your eternity with me. Now trust your heart to me. Give your heart to eternity with me. Please. I love you.

Basically, he proposed. He asked me to let him pursue me. When I questioned what that looked like he told me he had already written me this amazing love letter (more like amazing love epic) and all I had to do was read it and let him speak to me throughout the day. Like, as if the bible was a really long text I could just pick up and feel pursued by my crush. So, I started reading in John because if you haven't read the bible, that's where it's suggested you start reading. 

So here I am, in John chapter 2 reading about Jesus' miracle in Cana. He had just changed the water to wine and the servants brought the new wine to the master of the ceremony. The master told the bridegroom how interesting it was that he saved the best for last when usually you drink the good stuff first, get everyone drunk, and then dig into the crappy stuff.

This image is how God pursues us. How relationships (romantic between man and woman) are supposed to be! Just roll with me for a minute....

When we first enter into a relationship with our crushes not sure how it will go, we pretty up. On both sides we dress nicely, shower regularly, spray perfume, put on makeup, do our hair, etc etc. But as we continue with our crush and things become more serious and you begin to know each other better, those pretty things tend to be put aside and become less important (though you should always shower regularly). The more you and your crush drink each other in as you date, the more drunk you become with infatuation and then with love (if it goes that far), you don't worry about looks (or the things you're insecure in) as much. The "best" (or what we thought was the best) has happened and it's all down hill from there. But wait! Suddenly you're engaged and planning a wedding. You continue in the comfort you two have developed over the past several months or years and not dress up tons and keep to the routine of things, but you secretly diet and work out, plan you're hairdo, makeup, and what you'll wear. Then comes the wedding day. You are both dressed to impress, especially the bride. The bridegroom weeps as he sees the true "best" realizing she had saved the best for last. She weeps because she looks down at the bridegroom as she approaches and knows he saved his best for her as well.

Through their journeys together they did not use each other up, but Jesus came in and once they were just water, he turned them into the best wine that was reserved for the end, for marriage. The wine that's meant to be enjoyed last and most thoroughly because you no longer have the insecurities and inhibitions you once did when you first started dating. 

As God told me that he wanted to pursue me, that he wanted to be my boyfriend and date me and make me fall in love with him, this image is perfect. I prettied up at the beginning with God. Dressed in my best Sunday clothes, never cussed, didn't do "bad" things, and when people asked how I was, I always answered, "I'm great!" But then life happened and reality hit. I became complacent and allowed the sweatpants to enter the relationship. I slacked on communicating with Jesus and let myself become "drunk" in complacency.

Now that he's proposed, I'm getting ready for the wedding. He still sees me in my sweats. I still burp around him. He still hangs out with me even when I do the "bad" things of life. But when I die and enter into my sweet and holy union with him in heaven, he's gonna weep and so am I, because this life isn't my best wine. 

My best wine is in heaven with my eternal Groom. 

Controlling Fruit and Dealing with Guilt

Sometimes our perception and reality are so vastly different it takes us being held down and slapped to become aware.

I don't understand how some people can expect people to bend to their wants and needs in our world. Everyone is hurting and it seems like no one wants to change that cycle, but they're okay with complaining about the cycle not changing.

People don't change, not in the common knowledge sense. They grow. They mold and adapt to knew things but at the end of the day, we are still just people. There are two types of people, just kidding there's thousands of types but the one on which I'll focus on here is the victim.

There's always a victim, there's always a hero, and there's always an antagonist. For whatever reason the victim always thinks the antagonist is this horrible person that doesn't change and won't adapt. But is that really what an antagonist is? I don't think so. What if the "villain" had a bad day? What if the villain and the "damsel" just will never get along?

I hate that fairy tales have told us from the moment we took breath in this world that we need to be saved by something tangible and people need to change to fit OUR lifestyles. I mean really, how selfish are we?!

No. We need to grow and adapt to fit God's ways. Our ways suck. We expect apples to become oranges and when it doesn't happen we get upset and throw a tantrum. Then we wait a while and try again. When we reach the same result (apple stays apple) we get pissed again! We so desperately need to give God the control. If we know an apple and it needs a little changing, yelling at it, punishing it, and trying to force it to change its behavior as an apple will never work!

Here's the cool thing though. God can change us. He can. I am living proof he can. He can take an apple and make it agree with an orange. Notice I didn't say he would take an apple and change it into an orange. He has created us each with specific purposes and he won't change who we are but he will change how we act and react to things, if we allow him to, that is.

Today, as I continue in my journey to find freedom in Christ, I realized I had been yelling at a banana who was yelling at a zucchini who was yelling at the banana, to change into an orange. Then, when things didn't go my way I felt guilty. Like I had done something wrong. But I know guilt is not from God so I did a little talk therapy and the realization of, "It's not your fault because you can't control all those fruits and vegetables, " dawned on me.

See, humans like to be in control...it's why there's war and wealth and pain and suffering. But control is an illusion. We can only think we are in control. Never are we ever in control because God is in control and that's the reality.

Us trying to control things is like a 5 year old trying to pull the monkey bars down to the ground, completely and utterly ridiculous. But when the 5 year old gives up and realizes the poles hold up the bars and control where they 'go', he can sit back and enjoy the jungle gym as it was meant to be enjoyed.

After I realized all of this, my guilt vanished because I gave God the control. I felt free. I realized I never had control over the "produce" in my life and I never will. 

Last thing...last week my community group read and discussed Philippians 4:4-9 (I think those are the verses). The end result of my thinkings from that night were this: 

We want the second half of the passage, the peace, the joy, the freedom. We want to put our guilt away and stop feeling shame and condemnation, but we aren't willing to do the first half: pray, rejoice in the LORD, have relationship with God. But that's what the passage says to do. It's clear. Rejoice in God, petition him with prayer for your needs and you will not live in fear and guilt and anxiety. 

Freedom and Sin

It'd be simple to say I had a bit of an.."off" summer as a Christian, but why keep it simple?

This summer I gave into my flesh much more than I should have, but here's the thing, through my sinful summer, I really got to thinking about why we sin, what freedom in Christ is, and what is black and white vs grey areas in our lives and whether or not those grey areas are really, in fact, grey.

For whatever dumb reason, I decided this would be my summer to do "whatever the hell I wanted." What's that mean exactly? Well...it means I wasn't just "talk" about things but I wanted to live an adventurous summer of love, beauty, fun, and (more or less) of the world. Basically, I wanted a chick flick summer. Some how, as I began my dance of summer time follies -- because I can assure you, the dance was dumb and reckless --

 

I began to release my inhibitions and my insecurities, something I've never been able to do through prayer or meditation of the heart. People began to notice and comment on how I seemed "different," that I looked "better, vibrant, happier."

 Can you imagine how annoyed I was by this? Perhaps annoyed isn't really even the word. Maybe it's more...frustrated. As a woman of God who loves the Lord, people are supposed to comment on how you're different than others and how you just have "something" about you.

I had been told that I was "different" as a Christian and the whole "there's just something special about you" only a handful of times and mostly by Christians. My best friend was told it on a daily basis and I couldn't figure out why. What was I doing wrong?

Then people started speaking those vague but beautiful compliments to me and it felt good and bad. Good because I've always wanted to be told I'm vibrant and different and they can't say why, but bad because it felt like it wasn't because of Christ's example in my life. I had been blatantly disobeying God and not spending that time with Him that is so necessary to a Christian lifestyle, yet I was.."better."

Usually when I get this way (sinful in a knowing way, because yes, it has happened before because I'm a nimcompoop), I block out God. I can't/refuse think about Him, I feel guilty, and I think that as soon as I open my heart up for conversation with Him, he's just going to call me out on my sins and I'm going to have this massive break down where I confess my sins to my dearest friends and aim for a most consistent and intentional relationship with Christ where I will pray more and read my bible more and do this and this and this more and more in a dramatic attempt to regain my faith...and no. That never works. It doesn't stick. Promises, in my case, made at the height of emotion and spirituality don't ever really pan out the way they're meant to. I have all the right intentions, but never have the follow through.

This time, I didn't block out God. How can you live in blatant disobedience and not block him out? Psshh....I don't know! But that's what I did. I stood confident in my sinful self. I knew what God thought of my sin, felt the pangs of convictions, but continued forward anyway. That was when God spoke the strange revelation about freedom to me.

He said to me that I was experiencing freedom.

Now wait, don't get your panties in a twist. God was not saying, "Because you are a pompous, arrogant fool that has given herself to her flesh and has turned from me you have experienced freedom and this is good."

He was saying to me, as He revealed more later in the summer, that I had never experienced true freedom in Christ, but that I was experiencing what it could be like to be free in Christ. It was at this point I really knew I had no idea what freedom in Christ really even looks like.

 

 Even after 7 years of following His teachings and ways and love, I had never been set free.

I had always been told freedom in Christ was the freedom "not to sin." Oh, yeah, that makes sense to a sinful person. Cool I have a choice not to sin, but that doesn't mean you have freedom. That means you have choice. During my revelation of experiencing freedom, though I was in fact sinning, God helped me understand that freedom comes from the release of inhibitions and insecurities and giving them to something that you can rest assured they are safe in.

I wasn't experiencing freedom in Christ, but I was experiencing freedom in (let's give my sin a name to make it easier, shall we?) Bobert. I had relished in Bobert and had given him my identity: my insecurities, my inhibitions, my habits, my desires, my cares, my heart.

None of that is okay to do for any of your Boberts, btw. Our identity comes from Christ as Christians, but sometimes we like to hold on to parts of it--to parts of our hearts-- and give it to all our Boberts out there.

Now as my summer dance comes to it's crucial finale, I have some choices to make. Do I continue to give in to my flesh and let Bobert(aka sin) be my identity? Or...do I give my Bobert--my identity, my heart-- to Christ as He has asked me to do fully time and time again? And not just give it to Him, but leave it with Him?

Even as I sit here typing, that's a hard decision for me. All of my Christian friends are probably appalled that this is even a consideration and a difficult decision for me. But, it is.

"Dying to self" has a whole new meaning for me this time 'round. I WANT  to give my heart to God fully (I have given Him so much of it, but there are those parts that remain with me that keep me of the world and not just in it). I desire it. But, it's scary.

[Please don't misunderstand and think that I haven't even become a Christian yet. Trust me. I have. I have experienced the fullness of God's love and have accepted Him into my hard. But...there's a reason this is a race. Life has obstacles. This is one of mine.]

So here I go, stepping back onto the straight and narrow, learning the difference between conviction and condemnation, guilt and freedom.

I leave with this last thought,

 

Freedom in sin and freedom in Christ aren't all that different. One just has an outcome that is beyond disastorous and full of pain whereas the other has an outcome that is eternally beautiful and full of life.

Adrenaline and Obedience: God Provides What You Need

Preface: 

I've never been one to sing confidently in front of others, mostly due to my struggles with feeling judged. Of course my parents told me how beautiful my voice was growing up, but even at my young age, I still had enough sense to think, "They have to say that. They're my parents."

Last weekend I went to a girls' youth lock-in at this church I had never been to, barely knew the leader of the lock-in, and didn't know what to expect, other than God wanted to do something in me. Since I started this whole "be obedient" thing, I decided I'd go, no matter what came up.

As I drove with my friend and her bestie to the lock-in two hours away, I had this horribly anxious feeling. I wanted to just get out of the car and take my chances hitch-hiking back home. I just thought there wasn't really anything God could show me, help me with, or do through these girls for me. Obviously I knew I'd come back saying something along those lines in a positive light, but I just couldn't let it sink in that God had big plans for me that night. 

The night started off super fun. I actually related to the girls and, well, liked them. I prayed to Jesus fervently that I wouldn't feel judged during my time there, because, let's face it, teenage girls can be harsh. But God was faithful in answering that cry and I got there and was able to just have fun. I started off by breaking the ice with just jamming to whatever song popped into my head. Any time someone said something that reminded me of a specific song, I bust into song and dance, and (surprisingly) the girls would join in. We laughed and just enjoyed ourselves.

Later in the night after we had our "fun," it was time for a little more serious stuff. We did more than what I'm telling you about here, but this is where God decided to move me into obedience-- or maybe it's where I decided to allow myself to walk in obedience.

We were given packets that were a survey of sorts. It was called a "sin survey." Now don't get all crazy about that title, it was just a survey of what we struggled with. We each went to our little corners of the room and checked off what we struggled with, from hating yourself, to hating others, to whatever else. 

We listened to worship music all the while and it was a very somber event. Then we all came back together in our little story-time semi-circle and the girl leading everything said it was time to go outside and burn our sin surveys in our fire we had built earlier. Kind of like a "leave all your sins behind because God loves you and sees you, not your sin" deal. 

We began to walk out the building quietly. As I lead the small group of girls out to the fire, I felt the awkward tension of leaving the music behind. The desire for any girl to started giggling and chatting with her friends was strong but I felt like we needed to continue to be serious, if only for a little while more. 

So I set the tone for the quiet atmosphere, but then God urged me to sing. I was taken aback by the incredible urge to just sing "How He Loves" and

couldn't even think of another song to sing. I couldn't even remember how it started, but as soon as I opened my mouth hoping that words would come out, they did. 

I began to sing "How He Loves" and the girls JOINED IN. I didn't know what to do other than keep singing. Sure, I messed up a few times. When I tried to force the words out, they stuck in my throat. When I became insecure, the words dried up. 

Basically, when I stopped relying on God to provide, everything else stopped as well. 

As if on cue, however, my friend who was leading the lock-in came out right as we were ending the song. She spoke a few words and we threw in our surveys and watched them disappear into ash. 

As soon as everyone had thrown them in the fire, a new song came to me "How Great is Our God." So I started singing and, again, everyone followed suit. I even did the whole interrupt-the-song-to-add-in-something-personal. It was awesome!

The girls kept looking to me for guidance as we sang. It was so great! like SO GREAT! 

Just like when I went walking because God told me to, I felt accomplished. I felt awesome. I felt like I think God wants me to feel all the time. 

I felt like an adrenaline junky skydiving. Like, adrenaline is to a junky, as obedience is to a Christian...addicting and amazing.

Now here's the really cool part, because obviously God didn't just end things there.

Back in high school when I tried to keep my "God journal" (now I prefer to record my prayers), God had told me about one day being a worship leader. That I am a worshipper and that part of me will come forth one day when I work in a church or something. I never thought (and still don't) it meant worship pastor or anything. 

Now, I had forgotten about this little tidbit from the Lord until about a year or so ago when I was re-reading the journal. When I saw that, I stopped reading and just kinda dwelt on that for a while. I talked with one of my friends about it who couldn't believe that'd be something I'd forget. Well I did, until I re-read it and until this past weekend when I experienced the very beginnings of embracing my worship-leader potential. 

I may not have this stunning voice or range. I may not look particularly attractive when I sing. And I may even be a bit (and sometimes very) pitchy. I don't always sing on key or anything, but man when I focus on God and worship Him and Him alone, 

He provides. He provides my breath, my notes, the words, the songs, the confidence, EVERYTHING! 

Ask me a year ago (even a few months ago) if I ever thought I'd be leading worship at a girls' lock-in around a fire as they burned the things they struggled with, I would have looked at you like you needed to be committed...and possibly exorcised. 

Pray with me as I continue in the walk of obedience. So far, it's way more fun than any adrenaline seeking activity I could ever do! Seriously. It's like I live on the adrenaline of God, waiting for the next random thing He'll ask me to do.

--Maggie Mae 

Locked In: My dive into Youth

One thing you should understand about me before reading this blog, I have NEVER wanted to work in youth. My passion is for the children of our nation and the future children of my generation. I'm a mother, a nurturer, a caretaker. I've always limited this to meaning I would be a mother to the mother-less, but only for children/woman ministries.

Yes, I know children are youth, but I wanted my Calling to be limited to ten years old and younger.

Well, God thinks it's funny to tell me to do what I dislike (something about moving me out of my comfort zone to "grow..."), so when He finally decided to poke through that screen I talked about in my other blog (the one where you can keep contact with God but not entirely let Him in), the more my Calling came through.

I finally accepted it, with reluctant joy (because don't let me fool you, I'm stoked but in a nervous kind of way), and told my best friend: a youth pastor. (I know, my life is all kinds of ironic.)

She, of course, already knew and just kinda giggled at my giddy obedience.

So, last week I was hanging out with my friend and she, also a youth lover/leader, tells me she is holding a youth girls lock-in this weekend. You may think my reaction was the same as yours,

"Locked in a church with teenage GIRLS for a night?! You MUST be crazy."

But...it wasn't. And before I could come to my senses, I blurted out and asked if I could go with her and help out. 

My terror only increased when she said, "Of course," and soon became palpable. I didn't like teenagers when I was one, so what in the world would make me want to hang out with them!?

Jesus. That's who. 

He has changed my heart and helped me realize that some of the people I'm supposed to be a mother to (spiritually), are actually within the youth groups of our nation.

So, without further adieu, I am taking a dive into youth ministry. I'm nervous and have no idea what to expect.

Already Satan has plotted against me with fun distractions. As soon as I said I was definitely going, a friend says he'll be in town, a crawfish boil is scheduled, a disco is to be had, and I'm to be invited to it all! I don't know about you but that just makes me laugh!

This is my prayer request right now, that God would do whatever He needs to in my heart to get me ready for this laid back girlfriend weekend. I'm pretty excited for what He can do in the girls' lives, but I just KNOW this weekend will have a bigger impact on me than it probably will on the girls. Oh, and pray for protection. That's good too. ;)

Ha...God's funny yall. Hilarious, in fact.

--Maggie Mae

Walk with Me.

The other day, as I was praying about my walk as a Christian, God decided now would be a perfectly appropriate time to break through my carefully placed screen that blocked out His words to my heart while still allowing contact. It’s that screen that focuses on what you want and pushes what God wants for you to the back of your mind and the “dark” part of your heart. (You all do it, don’t even try to deny it. It’s why we’re human and He’s God.)

((Here’s a little background on me for you to fully understand why this message is so important to my heart. I have always struggled with body image issues. They started at an early age and continued as I grew up and grew wider. I have always had a distaste for what I look like and have always been incredibly insecure. God has been dealing with these issues slowly over time, but lately (within the past two years) He has upped His game and started really going to town.))

Two years ago, He broke into my heart and mind and helped me realize I have an eating disorder. I am an overeater and chronic dieter. He helped me see this. Like baptism (strange comparison but roll with me) is an outward sign of an inward change, so was overeating an outward sign of an inward something or other. The change here, however, was negative and affected me negatively. I ate for comfort. You may think, as I did," well just go to God. He’ll comfort you!"

Yeah! He does! but...I suck at life because I am human and pretending I can go "Nike" on this issue and “just do it” won’t and hasn’t worked. So I went to counseling for a bit. Worked through some of the whys. Turns out, I want to fix everyone (including myself) and when I can’t, I eat. When I eat, I gain weight.

When the number on the scale goes up, my insecurities increase in direct proportion.

Last semester (Fall 2012), I had a couple traumatic things happen in my life. My childhood pet died of old age and my aunt died right after. 

Those two together granted me the privilege of experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

You don’t have to go to war or be raped to have PTSD, it’s pretty subjective to the person dealing with whatever event has happened to them. For me, losing my loved ones was plenty enough to send me into a non-sleeping, non-eating, nightmare inducing, anxiety ridden life. I dealt with extreme anxiety (not sleeping, eating, becoming sick from not sleeping and eating, crying at the most random things [for instance I was watching a movie and when someone helped out another character, the water works started and escalated into a hysterical sob that could compete with Hurricane Katrina's down pours], etc) for about a month before I could let Jesus take it a little bit. I wanted to give it all to Him, but it was difficult for me to do. So I did my best and gave Him what I could, little by little. Eventually, I stopped crying over seeing grass and was able to sleep better. I still had my panic attacks occassionally, but it got better.

However, it’s been about 7 months and I’m still dealing with some anxiety issues.

Recall how I said I was doing my best to give God my anxieties, well, through this process,

I realized my biggest anxiety was my weight and body image issues.

They just so happened to become magnified after my PTSD subsided a bit and the anxiety remained.

Then, I went to Passion 2013.

Anyway, there, I finally prayed with a friend about my anxiety with my weight and overeating. When she prayed for me she helped me see the bondage I was in when it came to food, but it went so much deeper than that! It wasn’t just food, or the world's view of beauty, or how included/excluded I felt at a given time, this bondage to the anxieties and insecurities I am faced with is just a symptom of something more for me. My deepest “problem,” “scar,” whatever you want to call it, is my body image; how I see myself and how, through some crazy stupid “ugly” goggles (compare with the term drunk goggles), I think God sees me.

At Passion, I finally asked God how to lose weight. Haha...yeah after years of dealing with this issue I had never asked HOW. I always prayed what I should do when it came to losing weight and God has always remained silent, patiently waiting for me to reword my question and recognize what my heart was really asking.  

When you ask the right question because you listen to what your heart truly desires, God will be quicker than you think to answer. And He was! Jesus sat next to me and said, “Walk with me.” As I let that sink in, I began to over analyze it and say, “When? How long? How far? How much is my goal per week? Or is it just walking with You in spirit? Not literal? Etc. Etc. Etc.”

Know what the all-powerful God of the universe said back with His incredible wit?

“Walk with Me.”

Oh. Cool. Thanks God. Lots of specificness there. In reality I knew what that meant in my heart, but I didn’t like it so I allowed my mind to speak more loudly than my heart.  I decided that “Walk with Me,” meant reading the Bible, doing devos, etc. That worked, for about 3 weeks until the devo I was doing ended.

After that, the stress in my life started getting to me again. I started getting anxious and stopped praying as heartily, started blocking God’s voice in my head (put that screen in place that allowed my voice out but not His in), and started living in denial- all I had to do was count calories and be more likeable and all my worries would be gone. The scale began to tip (literally) unfavorably for me. I gained close to ten pounds in about two months. Then the insecurities increased to an amount I’m ashamed to admit. I lived in the filth of my anxieties for almost 3 months until I was driving in my car and said, “God. What did You mean? Walk with You?”

His answer to me felt like I was on an episode of "Hoarders: Buried Alive" and Jesus was hazmat-suiting up to go through my junk with me and dispose of the unhealthy burdens I lived with.

Jesus said to me:

“I said walk with Me. I meant that. Just like I told that man with the mat to get up and walk with Me. He did. Don’t you think he had doubts? Don’t you think people came to him years prior and said to him, ‘Why don’t you just get up and walk?’ The only reason he could do it for Me, was because I’m Me! He knew it was possible because He knew I would provide the strength he needed. If I command it, I’ll give you what you need to achieve it. I’ve asked you to walk with Me. I want your mornings. I’m gracious though, I understand it might not happen at first. But still walk with Me. I will provide you the sleep you need, the time you need, the energy to walk you will need, the healing from the injuries walking for the first time consistently may cause, the protection from excuses and doubts the enemy will undoubtedly send, the focus to get the things you need to do done when you're tired from walking with Me, and anything else you'll need. When I asked that man to get up and walk, I gave him muscle. I gave him strength. I gave him balance.

Also, if weight is a direct relation to your body image issues, and those issues distract you from Me, then leave them behind and follow Me. Just like with the young rich man, I asked him to leave the belongings that had distracted him from Me and My love. If weight is doing that for you, leave it behind, literally. I want you to love you as I love you. By walking with Me, you will leave this weight behind, literally and figuratively. Don't you think he messed up? Don't you think there were times he wanting to return to his old ways? Times he DID return to his old ways? But I was still there. ready to be there for him and help him overcome. The same goes for you, I won't abandon you in your struggles.

So, Maggie Mae, my daughter of stubborn proportions, listen to Me as I say PICK UP YOUR MAT AND WALK WITH ME AS YOU LEAVE BEHIND THE ANXIETIES THAT MAKE YOU MISS WHAT I HAVE FOR YOU.”

Yes, Jesus told me all that. Yes, Jesus speaks to us. And, btw, all of that is BIBLICAL. It’s how I rest assured it’s from God. I would have never in 100 billion years cross-reference those verses.

So, I did. I tried to wake up one morning, but it was raining and I got a sore throat (hmm, irony? or enemy?). So I continued to sleep and when I woke up, it wasn’t raining anymore. Wasn’t bright and shiny out, but wasn’t raining. My throat hurt, but I didn’t wanna waste this opportunity to walk with God (definitely supernatural because Satan STILL tried to get to me with small things like “what if it starts raining and your cell phone gets wet? you don’t have headphones, what if people hear your Jesus music while you walk?“). So I went to the levee around 11am (IN THE MORNING! HAHAHA sorry I found that funny that God had told me He wanted to meet me in the morning and I just assumed that it had to be pre-dawn.)

We started walking and He said not to worry about the finish. He didn’t tell me when I could stop or where or whatever. I walked and listened to worship songs (Jesus culture pandora for the win!) and when I started having those excusatory thoughts, I just turned back to focusing on the music that, in turn, made me refocus on God, and that motivated me. He was right, He’d give me the energy, the motivation to succeed, and the ability to strive past the pain from walking for the first time in a while.

Then, He gave me this spot. He pointed to a spot that was after a dip in the levee and I had to walk up the height of the levee. There hadn’t been any benches in a long while,

but when I got to the bottom of the dip, I looked up to see (wouldn't ya know it?!)...a bench.

I started laughing because God knew it was there but I hadn’t been able to see it because of the large obstacle in my way that caused the dip. Can we say Jesus wants us to live in the moment and not worry where the next “bench” is?

When I got there and stopped for my break, I listened to whatever He wanted to say. He told me to look from where I came. I was astonished by how far I’d come! I had walked for 17min with no thought of distance or time. I just did what God asked. Then He, the little trickster He is, told me to calculate the mileage. I had walked an EXACT MILE. Which meant I had one more to walk to get back to my starting point.

HAHAHAHAHA! I was blown away. Only the God of the universe could play the sweetest joke on you and make it perfect. (2 miles is a general starting point for beginner walkers/joggers).

By the time I’d walked back, my ankles ached, my shins hurt, and I was tired. But I felt accomplished. I’d listened and done what God asked and I felt...good. Really good. Maybe He added a few extra endorphins into my blood from that walk, but I was feeling good. ;)

So, here's to a new start. I decided last year (my 21st year) would be my “get the crazy out of your system” year. I feel like I accomplished that pretty well (if you know me, you probably agree haha). I decided my 22nd year would be achieving health. I know all my problems won’t disappear in a year, but this year will be the biggest stepping stone towards health- physical, spiritual, and emotional health- that I’ve ever done.

My mantra stays strong, especially as I start this new little...thing of obedience:

God never promises easy, He promises the best.

--Maggie Mae

PS-

if you wanna hang out and be healthy together cool, but I'm a bit done with the empty "let's work out" together things. Please don't say anyting unless you have a plan to follow through on it.....just sayin.