I've never been one to sing confidently in front of others, mostly due to my struggles with feeling judged. Of course my parents told me how beautiful my voice was growing up, but even at my young age, I still had enough sense to think, "They have to say that. They're my parents."
Last weekend I went to a girls' youth lock-in at this church I had never been to, barely knew the leader of the lock-in, and didn't know what to expect, other than God wanted to do something in me. Since I started this whole "be obedient" thing, I decided I'd go, no matter what came up.
As I drove with my friend and her bestie to the lock-in two hours away, I had this horribly anxious feeling. I wanted to just get out of the car and take my chances hitch-hiking back home. I just thought there wasn't really anything God could show me, help me with, or do through these girls for me. Obviously I knew I'd come back saying something along those lines in a positive light, but I just couldn't let it sink in that God had big plans for me that night.
The night started off super fun. I actually related to the girls and, well, liked them. I prayed to Jesus fervently that I wouldn't feel judged during my time there, because, let's face it, teenage girls can be harsh. But God was faithful in answering that cry and I got there and was able to just have fun. I started off by breaking the ice with just jamming to whatever song popped into my head. Any time someone said something that reminded me of a specific song, I bust into song and dance, and (surprisingly) the girls would join in. We laughed and just enjoyed ourselves.
Later in the night after we had our "fun," it was time for a little more serious stuff. We did more than what I'm telling you about here, but this is where God decided to move me into obedience-- or maybe it's where I decided to allow myself to walk in obedience.
We were given packets that were a survey of sorts. It was called a "sin survey." Now don't get all crazy about that title, it was just a survey of what we struggled with. We each went to our little corners of the room and checked off what we struggled with, from hating yourself, to hating others, to whatever else.
We listened to worship music all the while and it was a very somber event. Then we all came back together in our little story-time semi-circle and the girl leading everything said it was time to go outside and burn our sin surveys in our fire we had built earlier. Kind of like a "leave all your sins behind because God loves you and sees you, not your sin" deal.
We began to walk out the building quietly. As I lead the small group of girls out to the fire, I felt the awkward tension of leaving the music behind. The desire for any girl to started giggling and chatting with her friends was strong but I felt like we needed to continue to be serious, if only for a little while more.
So I set the tone for the quiet atmosphere, but then God urged me to sing. I was taken aback by the incredible urge to just sing "How He Loves" and
couldn't even think of another song to sing. I couldn't even remember how it started, but as soon as I opened my mouth hoping that words would come out, they did.
I began to sing "How He Loves" and the girls JOINED IN. I didn't know what to do other than keep singing. Sure, I messed up a few times. When I tried to force the words out, they stuck in my throat. When I became insecure, the words dried up.
Basically, when I stopped relying on God to provide, everything else stopped as well.
As if on cue, however, my friend who was leading the lock-in came out right as we were ending the song. She spoke a few words and we threw in our surveys and watched them disappear into ash.
As soon as everyone had thrown them in the fire, a new song came to me "How Great is Our God." So I started singing and, again, everyone followed suit. I even did the whole interrupt-the-song-to-add-in-something-personal. It was awesome!
The girls kept looking to me for guidance as we sang. It was so great! like SO GREAT!
Just like when I went walking because God told me to, I felt accomplished. I felt awesome. I felt like I think God wants me to feel all the time.
I felt like an adrenaline junky skydiving. Like, adrenaline is to a junky, as obedience is to a Christian...addicting and amazing.
Now here's the really cool part, because obviously God didn't just end things there.
Back in high school when I tried to keep my "God journal" (now I prefer to record my prayers), God had told me about one day being a worship leader. That I am a worshipper and that part of me will come forth one day when I work in a church or something. I never thought (and still don't) it meant worship pastor or anything.
Now, I had forgotten about this little tidbit from the Lord until about a year or so ago when I was re-reading the journal. When I saw that, I stopped reading and just kinda dwelt on that for a while. I talked with one of my friends about it who couldn't believe that'd be something I'd forget. Well I did, until I re-read it and until this past weekend when I experienced the very beginnings of embracing my worship-leader potential.
I may not have this stunning voice or range. I may not look particularly attractive when I sing. And I may even be a bit (and sometimes very) pitchy. I don't always sing on key or anything, but man when I focus on God and worship Him and Him alone,
He provides. He provides my breath, my notes, the words, the songs, the confidence, EVERYTHING!
Ask me a year ago (even a few months ago) if I ever thought I'd be leading worship at a girls' lock-in around a fire as they burned the things they struggled with, I would have looked at you like you needed to be committed...and possibly exorcised.
Pray with me as I continue in the walk of obedience. So far, it's way more fun than any adrenaline seeking activity I could ever do! Seriously. It's like I live on the adrenaline of God, waiting for the next random thing He'll ask me to do.
--Maggie Mae
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