I'm moving home

Dear Everyone,

If you know me on any level that goes further than a passing hello, you know I've been having an extremely rough time as of late. I graduated and my transition to the real world has not been pleasant. I haven't found a job that fits me well and because of that, I'm going to be moving back to my parents' home in Metairie.

This is my “plan.” It is tentative based on what happens with the job situation.

First, I want you to understand where I am coming from because some of you have never experienced this. Some have experienced on a worse level, but I feel like nonetheless, I want to share. I am scared. I feel like I have failed and I feel stuck. I feel like I got a degree and now I’m back where I was a few years ago when I dropped out of LSU. I know I’m not and, in the long run, my degree will be helpful because it will open more doors than not having any degree at all. I didn't get a degree for nothing. All my work was not done in vain.

Second, my life is in Baton Rouge. I love it here and the idea of not living here is nearly unimaginable. Something clicked the other day, however, when my friend Emily told me about this possible job in New Orleans. I realized I’m young. I don’t have to live in Baton Rouge forever right now. I can live elsewhere and go back. My church will still be there and my friends will likely still be there or if they move away, they would have moved away even if I had stayed.

Third, I love all the people that care about my future and continue to pray for me. I have all the faith in the world God is preparing a job that will suit me well. I don’t want “just any job.” I want to feel like I have a purpose and my job is meaningful. I want to fill fulfilled. Many people will work whatever because they see a job only as a way to make money. I don’t see it that way, and I don't have to yet. I don't have a family I have to provide for yet, and I don't have a house to pay off or car notes. I want to love what I do, or at least like it. I did not like working at the bed and breakfast I worked at most recently. Maybe it was my boss and I wouldn't mind administrative work elsewhere, but I don’t know and I don’t believe it’s a wise thing to job hop until I find something I’m okay with. When people “suggest” a job for me and I reject it, they tend to make me feel judged and like I’m being stupid and failing because I chose to think of something other than what they said. I should not have to feel that way. I love that you make suggestions when they are really suggestions, but more often than not, people offer unwarranted advice and, honestly, I've heard it probably 8 times before. People are not unique when it comes to wanting to fix people. Everyone wants to fix everyone and, with that, they ask the same questions and suggest the same things. I'm not a project to be criticized and fixed. I'm searching for what I want. If you find yourself faced with someone like me, ask them if they want you to shed light onto their path at all...if they say no. It's okay. You haven't failed them.

Also, I’m a highly sensitive person (it’s an actual term if you’d like to research it). That basically means I feel things more deeply or more intensely. Graduating, finding a job, moving into a new place, the thought of moving home, the possibility of moving away from my home in Baton Rouge….all of that is really intense for me. I am scared. I feel stuck and it’s such an overwhelming feeling sometimes the only way to escape that is to zone out and watch TV or sleep (which are depression issues). I had a big meltdown last week (and the week before) and cried for hours about how stuck and overwhelmed I feel and how I have felt for the past few months. It all rushed forward in a flood of snot and salt.

I, again, more than anything am scared. I’m not good with big changes much because I’m a control freak just as much as the next person. I’m trying to be more open-minded right now.

This is my very near and dear plan:
                At the end of October, I will move back home. I see it this way: why should I pay to look for jobs in Baton Rouge when I can save—at least not spend as much—money at home and look for jobs in Baton Rouge or wherever. During that time I will get a job at a local coffee shop around town and continue to live with y’all until I can afford my own place. (I actually looked on Craigslist just to see what was out there and I'm actually becoming excited about the possibilities of finding a job I enjoy.)

So that is my “plan.” That’s it. I talked to the family I live with and gave them the run down. The holiday time was going to be crazy anyway because I would be in and out on some weekends/holiday weeks so that family could use the guestroom.

My last day in Baton Rouge will be November 2. It's a Sunday.

I’m going through a really hard time with all of this. Like, really hard. I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life, other than write and it's overwhelming to not know what I want to do forever. I'm not going to get paid for writing for a long time.

I just don't know where to begin with that and showing anyone my writing is a severe act of vulnerability. It's my heart on the line.

Again, I love Baton Rouge. It's such a huge part of my heart and maybe one day I'll be back forever. But forever doesn't have to be right now. I'm finally starting to let myself be happy when I'm with my friends in these last two weeks instead of sad, and I'm beginning to get excited about moving to Metairie and working in New Orleans. I've never saved money so I'm excited about that. I'm excited to be with my kitty again. And...i dont know, I'm excited about the possibility of new.

If you're in BR and want to see me before I leave, I'm unemployed, no boyfriend, no family to take care of, and no school....I'm free. Like REALLY free. So let's hang out.

So, anyway...here's to a new adventure with God. He's the one holding me together because I'm obviously not together haha.

--Maggie Mae

"How are you and Jesus? "

I haven't published anything as of late, mostly because I don't know what I want to say. But here's a good thing that happened and I wanted to share.

I was talking with a friend via Facebook the other day. We went through the pleasantries and then she asked, "How are you and Jesus? "

I generally hate this question because...well, it seems pretentious and annoying. But I pondered it for a few days. I wanted to know how I was with Jesus, so I figured I'd answer.

After 3 days or so, here is what I replied:

If i had to put our relationship on fb it would be best defined at "it's complicated". It's not in a bad way or anything...just in a I like to cheat on him a lot. In that, he's been so patient and kind in how he loves me...and oh how he loves me! ...that he's been teaching me that only he can guard my heart and every time a guy (generally) hurts me or I hurt myself in my vulnerability I shut him out along with the rest of the world. He has patiently sat outside my walls so many times and joyfully reentered when I was ready. I'm learning to keep jesus inside the walls...bc they aren't ready to turn into gates just yet. He has shown me freedom in vulnerability both the good freedom in HIS vulnerability and the bad in the "freedom" the vulnerability of sin seems to create. Basically, I make this relationship complicated bc I'm a silly little air headed girl that is only beginning to allow jesus to show her how wonderful she really is and revel in her vulnerability while he becomes her protector, lover, friend, and all the things he's ever claimed to be.

That's how jesus and I are. Ha. Any questions?

It's honest, and some might read it and be taken aback or offended because how could a christian that attends church, discipleship, lifegroups, etc allowed to feel like all is great all the time? (Sarcasm note)

Love yall,
Maggie Mae

When I see you

It's like having your fingers get slammed in a door. You want to stop it from happening, you feel the anxiety rise as you realize what's happening, what's about to occur. And then you don't know how to react. Pretend to be strong and act like it doesn't hurt? Allow the tears to spill and admit the bone deep hurt you feel?

Your heart kind of stops. Your pulse quickens and you just don't know what to do. You feel like the fingers caught in the door. You want to pull away but you're stuck. You want to give in thinking it might help the pain, but not fighting and giving in just allows the pain to blind you further to the simple solution.

Open the door.

You have no choice. Let the fingers swell. Let them bruise and ache. Kiss them to make them better.

Close the door.

Let the memory fade. Let the pain fade along with the breeze that slammed the door on the fingers. Don't be upset at the breeze, for what could it do? It was swayed by forces unknown and impossible to refuse. It had no choice, because, after all, it was just a breeze, passing through on its way to nowhere.

I Am A Broken Tea Cup

((preface: this is a vision God gave to me of myself a long while back, but only today has it developed more into words.))

I'm a broken tea cup. I have red and yellow flowers on a white background. A red trimming along the handle and lip. I am pretty from afar, eye-catching. But hold me carefully because I'm chipped and cracked. No longer can I hold full a cup of tea. It dribbles down the sides in tear-shaped droplets, small and constant until I'm empty or hold the remnants of tea leaves. You try to drink from me, but my chips cut your lips and now your blood mixes with the tea. I hold that part of you in my center as it sinks to the bottom. You put me back into the lonely cupboard. The next person comes and picks me up unaware of the odd cracks camouflaged by my flowers. He holds me close, enjoying the warmth I carry from the tea, but as he holds me the warmth of the tea begins to slowly drip through his fingers now lined with nearly invisible, yet painful, cuts. He retreats to the handle to avoid my edges, holding me from afar still able to admire my beauty. His hand grows tired and he places me back in the cupboard. The next man comes by. He sees the beautiful tea cup in my imperfection. He holds me gently by the handle while he takes his time to examine me. He doesn't return me to the dusty cupboard. He sees my dangerous nicks that would dribble the tea onto his newly pressed shirt; he sees my chipped lip that could cause him to bleed; he sees my imperfect dangers and calls them "potential." He holds me from the bottom, supporting me firmly. He finds some filler to fill in the cracks. The filler is accented in gold. He fills the cracks, I can hold tea now. No more will the tea flow from me in tears. He prepares a gold molding to fit the chip in my lip. It fits perfectly as he attaches it. I am whole again. The tea will now pour only for those that choose to drink from me. All can appreciate my beauty from my new cupboard, but still can see the scars from the drops I've endured. Small pieces of me still float about in my old cupboard and kitchen. My new gold cracks and lip piece will be reminders I was once sharp, biting, unfulfilled. When they pick me up, they will pick me up from my new owners cupboard-- a clean and pristine cupboard, one filled with other mended china, but no dust or broken pieces. When people ask of me, he will hold me from the bottom, allowing my handle to be lifted by whomever and from whomever to drink from me, but yet only by his discretion, for he holds the key to the cupboard. He holds me firmly, having invested in my weakness. I will forever reflect his gold that now glimmers in my cracks. I no longer have to feel rejected by those that did not like my edges, for when they return me to the cupboard, they return me to the hand that filled me.

#jesus

You Need to Be Okay With Being Beautiful

This is a sad (personal) story, but one that has a happy ending coming.

I've always felt like a hideous brute. Yes. This is the truth and no, I am not fishing for compliments. I grew up a self-identified tomboy and this is how I have felt from middle school on, even a little before then, if I'm honest. I can remember being in 3rd grade and having some girls make fun of my hair because I had done it myself that day. Granted it was a frizzy mess, but that type of stuff stuck with me.

Men haven't generally flocked to me. I was second choice 9 times out of 10 in high school, and no matter how much that shouldn't mean anything, it meant a lot. My self-esteem plummeted so far into the recesses of my soul that only promiscuity made me feel pretty. I became one of those "give love to get love" girls. (Clarification: I did not sleep around, but flirting and teasing can be just as promiscuous.) 

Only recently have I begun to settle into my skin and feel like a beautiful person, inside and out. Whether from friends or attention from the opposite gender or just healing in my heart, I have begun to feel beautiful and truly believe that I am.

The first time I remember seeing myself as beautiful was about three years ago on my way to a bible study when I stopped to use the restroom. I had been feeling vulnerable because the bible study was a group of "pretty" girls I wasn't close friends with, and I thought I might be a little "too much" for them, but I was determined to be myself. When I looked in the mirror, I saw myself and I sucked in my breath. I was beautiful. It was so strange. I couldn't look away from the face in the mirror because she was so foreign to me. A lovely complexion on a round face with honest and vulnerable eyes...but it didn't last. The next day I looked in the mirror again and saw the same brute I had seen for years.

Another year went by and I still did not see myself as beautiful like I had that one day. Another year and I still felt unattractive. Then, this year something seems to have changed. 

God started this process forever ago, but my stubborn self only allowed my vulnerability to shine the beginning of last summer. See, when you're vulnerable, you have no walls up. You are you and that's it. My "new year's resolution" (made on my birthday) was that I would be myself, no matter how painfully hard. I would enjoy my quirks without fear of judgement. That's when I embraced vulnerability wholeheartedly...but ended up allowing myself to become too vulnerable. I didn't allow God to guard my heart. I got hurt, and thus my cycle began again.

This year, I've been working on vulnerability still, but this time, I'm in a better place with God and learning about being set free in Christ which incorporates learning how to let Him guard my heart so I can live in freedom as well. I'm learning from my past hurts in order to avoid the future ones that so inevitably will try to trick me into falling back into my old patterns.

So....

Last week I was in a vulnerable situation with a someone (not a sketchy type thing, just honesty and vulnerability surfaced...get your minds out the gutter). We sat and talked about feelings and past hurts and all that jazz. I told him I have always been "second pick" and he couldn't understand why people would pick me second, which baffled my mind because he thought that. He seemed to see me for me. I mean, I had just played an intense game of volleyball, I'm sure he could smell my sweaty grossness in the small space that is my car and he could obviously see my oh-so-attractive drenched-in-sweat t-shirt, and yet he still said I was beautiful. He said to me,

"You are beautiful, and you need to be okay with being beautiful."

That statement hit me like a ton of bricks. Not only because I have been told I was beautiful by a man I was interested in only a handful of times and not because he had an accent, but because I wasn't expecting it. My breathing caught and I couldn't look him in the eyes, something characteristic of myself when I'm feeling intensely vulnerable. Also, he said I needed to be okay with being beautiful. I had never thought of myself as not being okay with being beautiful, just never thought I would be considered beautiful.

((Tangent/Food for Thought: Can you really know if someone is beautiful after knowing them for such a short period of time? Does that kind of initial reaction only grow as you get to know the person? Is that what 60 year plus marriages are made out of? Can you really think someone is beautiful without knowing them deeply? Does vulnerability really expose that much of you to a person that they could see your true beauty?))

When he said this to me, it was like the LORD reached down and straight plucked my heart strings to play some soft melody that stirred the most intense emotions of confusion and excitement and joy. The confusion because I heard the honesty in his voice, excitement because someone found me beautiful, and joy because what else could I feel?!  God was revealing His truth to me through this guy. It turned out to be one of the best things to ever happen to me.

He sat three feet away from me, yet it could have been 3,000 miles or 3 inches. The statement resounded in my heart like a sonic boom.

So if you are like me, and you have thought you are a hideous creature and that God somehow screwed up when He made you; that perhaps you are the "leftovers" from your older siblings and you just missed out on the looks portion of the gene pool; or you were always chosen second in high school and never asked to dances...let down your walls. Let God into your heart and into the places that are so dark that you don't even know they are there. Let God into those places. Ask Him to heal what you don't even realize is wounded because you've become numb to everything painful. Allow Him to use people in your life to show you that you ARE beautiful. Maybe you're not there yet, that's okay. Just believe that the people that tell you that you're beautiful are being honest with you, especially if they're close to you.

Ask Him to help you to be OKAY with being beautiful.

It's still a struggle for me. I'm constantly battling the thought that the guy just said that because he wanted "some." That he didn't care about me or how I felt or how I felt about myself. I didn't know him well, I still don't. Maybe a year from now if we remain friends and continue to get to know each other, I'll believe that he meant it. Maybe not. Maybe 15 more people will tell me the same thing, but I won't believe it until the 16th comes along.

Insecurity in a world of perfection is a rough thing. It's a real thing, but it can be overcome.

You and I are beautiful, and we need to be okay with it.

--Maggie Mae

((PS- When I say "beautiful" throughout this post, I mean the truest depth of attraction. What God has instilled within all of us because He makes beautiful things, and what are we other then things with skin?))

 ((also, if the a fore mentioned guy reads this, because you know who you are, yes this affected me that much, and no I'm no in love with you or anything because of it......just wanted to clarify))

My Health Update- Meet Herbalife

If you've known me for any amount of time, you know that I have been overweight my entire life. There's a lot of angst that goes with that, and frustration.

I've posted so many times about being vulnerable. About how I'm going to workout everyday and not cheat and blah blah blah. I'm going to be the image of health. The poster-child with the best before and after picture you have ever seen.

All of that has been BS. Not that I didn't mean it or want it, but I definitely didn't follow through.

I've always thought that being healthy meant being a certain weight. That my beauty would come from weightloss and once I lost the weight, I would be a happier more godly woman and all that jazz.

No. That's a bunch of BS too.

Back in September I noticed my friend post something on facebook about this stuff called "Herbalife."

She was already skinny, but when she did a personal challenge for herself, she gained lots of muscle and energy.

I messaged her about it and ordered almost immediately. I didn't lose weight. I didn't gain muscle. I didn't lose inches. I was distraught, but something kept me drinking these shakes and considering these supplements.

I realized I had energy. I realized I had focus throughout the day. My hair was healthier, my skin clearer, and my nails (yes, my nails) were stronger. I told Kelsey (the girl who started me on Herbalife) about how I felt like I could never be a coach because who would trust someone selling a nutrition program that was severely overweight? I expressed that I felt like I had no results. She asked me a few questions and deduced that I did have results. The energy and the feeling better and stronger WERE results.

It's been about 8 months, and I still haven't really lost weight. BUT I am encouraged. I still have healthier nails and hair. I still have more focus throughout the day. I have virtually NO headaches, which is a HUGE deal for me considering I would deal with at least 3 headaches a week.

I've also found out that I am insulin resistant. This doesn't mean I have diabetes, but if I don't lose weight it could become that. Basically, my body doesn't use insulin the way it's supposed to. This makes a HUGE difference when it comes to dieting. I can't eat tons of carbs because my body won't process them as energy, but rather will take 90% of them and store them as straight fat.

Last week was the first week I tried to have the weight loss program be mine for real. I drank the two shakes a day and ate healthy throughout the day. My goal is to remain consistent with this plan for the next 3 weeks. AKA 21 days to start/break a habit.

I'm ordering tonight a supplement called "Cell Activator" that helps to promote absorption of nutrients in your body..which is basically what insulin resistance prevents.

I can't wait to have results like weight loss, but for now, I'm learning my beauty doesn't come from  being a healthy weight. I'm also learning that results don't always come in the way that you want them. So, if you're having an energy crisis where you are crashing mid-day, Herbalife has an answer for that. Maybe you want your metabolism boosted without having your heart jump out of your chest, Herbalife has a supplement for that. Maybe you're a body builder and need to get ready for a competition, Herbalife has LOTS to help with that.

Basically, whatever your needs are, Herbalife can help. It's a nutrition company, not a diet plan. I'd love to answer questions from you.

I'm deciding right now to do something different about my health. I don't want another diet plan. I want to understand nutrition and learn to manage my health with other healthy things that just so happen to fit into my budget REALLY well.

Here's to results of all kinds!

--Maggie Mae

You Make Me Brave

I've heard more often than not that being brave is something people were born with. People that are usually bold or extremely confident are considered brave. Even those of us that do things to prove how brave they are, like sky diving or bungee jumping.

Well, no. I just don't know that that's it. Brave people may have those characteristics. They may be bold and crass and extremely confident, but I think bravery is based on trust.

Last week at my life group, we sang this song that I had never heard of before during worship called "You Make Me Brave" by Amanda Cooke from Bethel. The song talks about how standing in the presence of God and His light you are washed over by crashing waves and how He calls your name and all this stuff. Eventually it gets to the bridge where it says, "You make me brave" repeatedly.

As I was singing this song, I really felt like I was diving into the lyrics and the meaning that the Lord was giving me behind it all. Maybe this message was just for me and my strange perspective, but I figured I'd share anyway!

So I'm listening about the waves crashing over you, envisioning it. How you would stand in this crazy, awe-inspiring presence that could utterly destroy you without blinking, and I realize that bravery isn't something you're born with and something that comes from being confident or incredibly extroverted. 

Bravery is something that develops from trusting something. When the bible (and the song) talks about weapons against us not remaining or fear not being anything to hinder us (Isaiah and in many other parts of the bible), that's because we have developed a trust for our God. And how do you develop trust? By earning it and proving time and time again that you're trustworthy and won't disappoint or let whomever down. 

Think of it like this: I read a story the other day about an old oak tree that had a support rigged against it like a crutch to help with the weight of one of its limbs. At first the tree didn't need it. The do-gooders just thought it might help, but years later the tree did need the support. If the tree were conscious, it probably would have doubted the support of the crutches at first, but by the time it needed the support, many years later, it wouldn't have had to think twice about the crutches being able to hold. The crutches would have proven their strength and "earned" the tree's trust simply by being there.

Turn that analogy into how we trust Jesus. He is always there for us, He is always providing His strength for us, and He is always extending His love and grace towards us. Basically, when we have to be brave we have to trust. 

We are put in a vulnerable spot where we could fall, bend, snap, or fail, and then we have to be bold --brave-- and step out. You have to trust whatever you're stepping out for. You have to get your bravery from the trust you have from whatever you have to be brave for.

You're not going to walk out onto the overlook at the Grand Canyon if you don't trust that the glass will hold. 

The Lord helped me realize that those times that I have been "brave" are the times I've been bold and have been trusting in Him entirely. Even the people that jump out of planes to prove their bravery are trusting their chute will open. Their bungee cord will hold. The cage that separates them from the deadly teeth of a great white will not bend.

Bravery isn't a character trait, in my opinion. It's a consequence of trust.

--Maggie Mae

Fear of Committing

My true fear of commitment has never been more apparent than when I am looking for a job.

Like many other post-college young adults, the thoughts are running through my head...Is this the right job? Will I like it? What if I hate it? 

The worst thing is I'm afraid of being recommended by any of my friends because I have this bad habit of not sticking with a job. You must understand, I'm a "Destination" person, not a "Journey" person. I look to the end of whatever it may be. I look far down the road and decide immediately whether or not I absolutely would hate the job or not. Then I don't even apply for it. I like to circular think, if you didn't catch that.

My most recent anxiety that spurred this short and chaotic post is the opportunity to work for a guy who does wedding photography/videography. I'd be an administrative assistant. I don't think this is the worst I could do by far. It would give me experience and eventually I could probably get raises or move to another company (after a while). The pay is fine. The incentives are good. It literally could provide me the experience I need to make whatever dreams I have come true. I know I'd be great at it, but I don't know if I'd love to do what I'd be great at.

So why am I afraid of even scheduling an interview? Simple. It's a 9-5 job. I have ALWAYS sworn to myself I would not allow myself to become stuck in a 9-5. My heart pounds thinking about a cubicle or fluorescent lighting for 8 hours every day. Perhaps it's not that bad.

I mean, most everyone has a 9-5 in some form or fashion. Really anyone that works 40 hours a week has some sort of schedule that requires them to work for 8 hours at a time in funky environments.

I might be giving myself a little pep-talk here, but if it worked out, the next terrifying dilemma I have created is what if my dream job opens up and I'm stuck at the 9-5?

The other side is what if my dream job doesn't open up? I want to write. What if I never get my own column in the local paper or what if I never make it to working for the Times?

Am I content enough to write just because I love it? I think that's the biggest and best question I may have ever pondered.

Am I content enough to do what I love, just because I love it?

Time to ponder and stress! Prayers appreciated for guidance and clarity.

--Maggie Mae

Baton Rouge College Of Champions: SCHOOL's OUT FOREVER!!!!

I'M DONE! I am FINALLY finished with my college career!!!! WOOHOOOOOO!!!!!

Next week I will be a graduate! I will have earned, after a grueling five years of on and off college, my Associates of Science in Business Management from Baton Rouge Community College!

This journey has been a difficult one, and I am so thankful to those who have shared this experience with me whether it be with encouragement in the hard spots, financial assistance, prayers, or just the love of a friend (most importantly, my parents!!!). 

This journey has been one that has brought me heartache and laughter; experience and wisdom learned the hard way; and most importantly an appreciation for life, friends, and family that I share life with. I am so beyond grateful for the life I have been blessed with and the life I hope to create post-college.

I’d like to share just a bit about my journey through college. I never pictured myself going to LSU when I was in high school. I wanted to go out of state, but the LORD had different plans for me. He closed every door I tried to jump through to go out of state. Finally, after hearing God ask me to “just visit” the campus, I asked my dad to do a drive through. I felt an immediate and overwhelming peace that only the LORD could have given me. I accepted the LORD’s calling and applied to LSU. It was the only school I applied to, and I was accepted.

I moved into my dorm with an unknown roommate and got to have that wonderful first-year-with-a-crazy-roommate experience. She had an intense schedule, in her defense, that kept her up late at night and coming in early in the morning. Many a night I was woken by a slamming door and the lights flicking on. If it wasn’t her waking me up in the middle of the night, it was my neighbors. They were a couple sorority girls that would go to the bars and aim to find the LOUDEST guys they could. These men would sit outside my room and laugh and talk as loud as possible with deep voices that carried to China.

That same first year, I made some of the most meaningful friendships that will last a lifetime. I went on my first road trip with some people I didn’t know that well to the Passion Conference in Atlanta, Georgia to share together in our love for Jesus. The conference rocked, though our accommodations felt like rocks! Getting in at 1 or 2 am, showering, and finally falling asleep between 3 and 4 and waking up between 5 and 6 made for more interesting conversations and interactions between everyone each day. Regardless, the LORD moved throughout that time and it was worth it.

The next year I moved into my own house that I rented with two roommates from my dear parents. I’d love hosting friends “on the reg” and throwing parties for all of us to enjoy (safely, of course).

That spring semester, I started feeling very overwhelmed by school. My parents lovingly and gently suggested some time off might be a good idea, but that idea seemed more overwhelming than staying in school did. That summer, I participated in a summer internship at my church where I thought I would get clear and obvious direction from God. I didn’t.

In August 2011, I started back at LSU. I loved all my classes and professors, but for some strange reason, I fell behind quickly. Come midterms, I was overwhelmed and failing most of my classes. My sister comforted me and through lots of heavy prayers and tears, the answer became clear. 

The LORD was calling me to passionately and uninhibitedly follow Him, whatever and wherever that meant. So I decided I would withdraw from LSU and follow wherever God was to lead me.

Through the next 10 months, I followed the LORD’s instruction. I was passionately pursued by the LORD and He lead me to the jobs that would provide for me above and beyond. These may have been the most important months of my life.

I learned that I loved business and was great at it. I developed more business skills and gained a new appreciation for the working people in America. I met plain Janes and average Joes that were anything but mediocre. These people had stories I had only seen movies of. I also learned I wanted a degree so I didn’t have to be stuck at the bottom of a business, like I was.

The decision to return to school was clear, but I was going back to community college. This is where I believe God was leading (humbling) me. Somewhere that was completely different and out of my comfort zone. My pride said I was better than community college. I had gone to a flagship school! I had lived in the real world and these people were fresh out of highschool and not smart enough to get into LSU or sketchy.

I have never been more wrong.

The people I have met at BRCC have struggled, too. They are trying to improve their lives. Some are taking their prerequisites to transfer and, for others, it’s a better transition from high school.  Some were wise to take classes at a cheaper school before jumping into the extremity of cost that is universities.

I learned I am not above community college and it’s not “easier” or “less than” a “real” university.

I realized after much prayer and deliberation that I would get my Associates in Business Management instead of my 4 year, and if God called me to a four year later, so be it.

After two years at BRCC, I am proud to announce that come May 23, 2014 I will be graduating with my Associates of Science in Business Management, and I have learned so much more than just business management skills!

I’ll never be able to explain the feeling of that last final. The final that if blown, would put me back in school for one more class. The pressure of blanking when I saw the test. The fear and excitement as I remembered how to perform the necessary computations as I began to panic. And, mostly, the feeling I got from handing in that blue book and I passed. Walking from the classroom knowing I’d never have to take another written test like that again gave me such a euphoric feeling as I have never known.

I don’t know what’s next, but I’m so excited to see where the LORD will take me next! I feel like I have been on this fantastic adventure with Him since I graduated high school in 2009.

I would love to write professionally or do freelance photography and other art! I also want to start my own coffee shop in the next 5 years or so. I also plan on going on (well applying to go on) the World Race soon (date to be decided haha that’ll be a BIG posting!).

I’m living in today without the worry of tomorrow and, with God on my side, I know I can be successful in what I choose to do. God’s got my back, and that’s the most important lesson I could have learned in the past 5 years.

Here’s to the next chapter!

--Maggie Mae

Individuality and Being Set Free- I'm 23 Today

Today I am 23 years old. I should be excited about my birthday, but when I woke up all I wanted to do was cry.

All my life I have had this issue of comparing myself to those closest to me. "Oh she's prettier." "Boys like her, not me." "People like her better." "People don't care about me." All of the insecurities that come along with being a woman, or so I always assumed.

Then as I continued to observe these very women whom I compared myself to thinking they did the same thing and compared themselves continuously, I realized my actions were the strange ones. I was the ONLY one comparing myself. No one was sitting there saying, "She's not pretty enough like so and so." or "She'll never lose the weight." or "If she only acted like her she'd be more likable."

I WAS(AM) THE ONLY ONE THINKING THESE THINGS! 

As I continued to wake up, literally and metaphorically, I realized another important thing. It doesn't matter what other people think. It shouldn't matter if NOT ONE PERSON said happy birthday to me today. I am a woman of God and I should be getting my identity from Jesus, not how many people posted on my facebook and said happy birthday. Even my closest friends, if they were to forget, why would that matter? 

One moment of feeling unloved by the world should not negate the feeling and knowing of the eternal love I feel every day from God, from my living King. 

I was upset my friends didn't get people at restaurants to sing happy birthday to me this past weekend (yes I made it known I wanted that). I was upset a friend I thought I might celebrate my birthday with was having a friend of ours plan her a picnic and no one thought to include me in that.  I was upset my mom almost forgot to tell me happy birthday when I talked to her this morning. She would have remembered, but it's disappointing when you want to hear it the first phone call of the day.

But the first thing I did this morning --after my emotions were running high-- was walk into my back yard. The leaves are back on the trees, the vines are blossoming new flowers, honeysuckles line the fence, the hummingbird feeder was empty (refilled it), cardinals have nested in the honeysuckles, dragonflies and butterflies fluttered about, and my precious kitty ran outside and played in the grass. I was overwhelmed by the feeling the Lord gave me in just seeing some of my absolute favorite things all in one small location.

I knew in that moment, perhaps for the first time in my life, that the Lord truly SAW ME and truly LOVES me as an individual. Not because I'm friends with this person or that person or because I have a study bible or because I worked at this church or that. Just because I was Maggie Mae, and He loves that.

I feel better, obviously. I still care that people don't care for me the same way I would care for them on their birthday, but I'm not going to let it define my day or myself.

One last thought. On my birthday every year, I make my new year's resolutions because this is my new year. This year, I'm getting healthy. I want to be healthy physically, healthy emotionally, and healthy spiritually. The greatest part of those things though, is that they're continuous. In James it talks about letting perseverance finish so that we can be perfect. Well, here's some news. We'll never be perfect until the day Jesus comes back or the day we see Him face to face as we walk through those pearly gates. This year, my new year's resolution is more like a new life resolution.

Living in freedom and being set free.  

--Maggie Mae

Ask the questions

What if you could ask every question you always wondered about? What if you had the courage to ask anyone everything you've wanted to...

What if you did ask every question you worried about asking?
What would come from your lips?

For me I would ask if you ever cared. If you love her. If you loved her at the time. Do miss me?
Are you aware that I expect time from you? Do you know that I drop my own plans for you at times and I feel like you don't care about me half as much? Do you know that if you make plans with me I feel like you'll never follow through? Do you know I never confront you about your own feelings because I'm afraid you'll cut me out? Why can't you say I love you? Why do you never believe me? Why when I say yes it's not enough, but when I say no it's catastrophic? If I called you today, this moment, you would come for me? What would happen if I disappeared? Why did you choose me? Do you think it was by chance we met or destiny? What if we didn't meet? Would you care if we never spoke again? Do I mean anything to you now? Do you blame me? Do you know how much you hurt me daily? Do you know the depth of my fear of rejection? Do you care? Could you ever love me? Why her? What separates us?

Will asking any of these questions even change anything? What if I knew the answers? What would that change? Would my life continue on as is or would everything be irrevocably different?

Just some food for thoughts.

Dear Husband

Dear Husband,

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you look like. I don't know how tall you are or what color your eyes shine in the sun.

I don't know what your voice sounds like or where your parents are from. All I know is I love you but am so terrified to meet you, and if the Lord is good, as I know He is, He'll keep us apart for a time more.

I am in no way shape or form ready to meet you right now. My heart aches for you, some days you could even call it yearning, but most days, I'm afraid of meeting you. If I were to meet you right now, it'd be catastrophic. I'm just realizing the depths of my independence from God and my dependence on men.

I'm afraid of meeting you and not being ready to marry you. I mean, I know we wouldn't get married immediately or anything...not like this whirlwind romance (but that'd be cool ;P )...but I can't stand the thought of meeting you in this state, in this mess.

I'm such a mess! My heart wants to be lost in your eyes and rely on your strength. And all I hear you telling me is to stop talking and look to the Lord. I hear you telling me that you are nothing and that He is everything and I cannot rely on you because you're going to let me down. That you're only human and prone to falling short. You tell me that Jesus needs to be my one and only because you're going to disappoint me.

I hear you telling me how much you love me and how beautiful I am in your eyes. I hear the way you love the Lord and see me as He sees me with every single word you speak to me.

Even as I have this hypothetical conversation with you, I feel you encouraging me to be with the Lord and talk to Him about my issues before coming to you all boohooey.

I hear you telling me Jesus loves me more than you ever could. That He sees my heart in a way you simply cannot. I hear you sighing as I say you're right with a tearful eye.

But I also hear your laughter mixing with mine. I see you rolling your eyes at something absolutely absurd that I said. I see you taking care of me when I'm sick even though I'm stubbornly trying to clean or fix my own meals.

You have and continue to encourage me to look back to Jesus.

Oh my sweet, dear, hypothetical future husband. You're not promised to me and if we were to meet, well I hope it's far into the future because the Lord has a ton of work to do on my heart before we meet. I want my identity to be in Him before I meet you. I want my insecurities to be lost in His security and protection.

I can't wait to me you, if I ever do. I know God will do great things through our love, and through His love we will do small things that He will make great!

The curse is real, my dear. When God told Eve she'd have the desire for her husband to rule over her, well that's legit. It's a challenge every day and I'm on my way out of pretending like I'll ever be not a mess. My only desire is to learn to transfer my desire for you, to a desire for Christ alone. Because in reality, and I'm sure you would have told me this and will tell me this a thousand times over, Jesus is the only one that will ever satisfy me fully.

When we do meet, I'll still be a mess, but I'll be a mess with the Lord...which I kind of already am. Hmm...

--Maggie Mae

PS: how do you feel about being called "Pooky?" ;)

Welcome to My Quarter-life Crisis

I'm terrified.

I'm afraid of having to be a "real" adult. I'm in the stage of life where school is coming to a close, and while I'm thrilled about that, it's the only thing I've known for the past 17ish years. Soon I will have to get a job or freeload off my parents, and since living with my parents again makes me consider living in my car, I will have to become employed soon.

In May I will graduate with my Associate's in Business Management. Woo! But I've never managed a business and I have little to no "real" work experience. I have had numerous jobs, but have a horrible record with hating jobs and leaving them, no matter how much I excelled at them. It's a fear of being stuck there. I love so many things, how can I be stuck at one place for such a long time?

There's never been a job I could think of that I would love as my career. I would love to get married and have a child and be a stay at home mom..but not at 23. I want to have adventure in the next few years before any of that serious love stuff starts. I want to travel! I want to write! I want to do all these things that I said I would do before I was an "adult."

I don't know what the next year holds. I don't know what kind of job I should get or apply for. I don't know if I'll use my degree. My stomach churns at the thought of a cubicle...I have this idea in my head of the same thing every day, and it's quite literally nauseating. I feel like I haven't learned anything academic in the past 5 years that will help me land a job because of my "skills"...whatever they may be.

As I sit here in my piles of fuzzy throws, robe, and now cold coffee watching my day time TV shows (Roseanne currently, Sex and the City next), my anxiety and heart quicken.

In five months I will graduate. I will be expected to get a job and live a normalish life. I don't want a normal life, I want adventure. I want surprise and love and fun and a life of unexpectancy!

Oh god...I want a movie life. The thought of something else is just...unacceptable.

Then I remember that takes money, and I have none of that. So I'll get a job, then I won't have the time. I want a job that is fun, exciting, allows me to travel, and be who I am. I know others feel similarly, but I literally fear getting a normal job.

Praying for guidance, opportunity, peace, and clarity.

Welcome to my quarter-life crisis.
--Maggie Mae

Too Much Vulnerability

There is such a thing as too vulnerable. I've experienced it now twice in my life, the first time a friend that let every wall she had in place fall hard and ended up with some serious spiritual oppression. The second time is right now.

Last summer the Lord decided that I still wasn't good at vulnerability, which as a human is absolutely necessary for growth. In May, right after my birthday (April) I got to use a strange technique I like to call "defensive vulnerability." Basically, I was honest and truthful while continuing to be vulnerable with some walls in place for protection. Prior to my birthday this wouldn't have even been an option because I'm a stubborn fool, but for my birthday (when I make my new year's resolutions) I resolved to be myself no matter who it was in front of. Whether that meant family or friends or guys or whatever, I was going to be me and see things through and thus developed my DV. So, I was in my DV mode and things played out in my favor because that's what God's plan was (which was a rather large confrontation).

Then in June I met the guy from my last post. It just so happened I had every single wall down. I got lazy with protecting my heart and let the vulnerability run rampant. I was sharing my guts with him or things I "shouldn't" do, but my heart jumped at the opportunity to be desired emotionally which vulnerability is required for.

As time went on, I became more and more attached to said guy, not even romantically, but I was invested because he seemed to have accepted me as I was. He didn't ask for anything in return for my company...I had never had a man do that for me. There was always a price. This price seemed to be just me, and I thought I could afford that.

So I had to create a new compartment in my brain for "nice guy" next to my other compartments of "douche" and "extra big douche." There were no other kind of guys. Just bad or worse.

Flash forward (read the prior blog for more info) to where I am now. Devastated. Unfulfilled. Vulnerable on a new scale. And he knows how I'm feeling. He wants to be friends, because we always were, but what I just realized was I can't be friends with someone I was totally and utterly vulnerable with. I had no wise DV mode with him. I was too vulnerable. The kind of vulnerability that is complete transparency. The kind that deserves to be shared with one other person in a life and with the Lord. And while he's not the source of my strife (this has been a long time coming from scars deeper than space), it might not be easy for me to move on from him.

And I don't know if I can be friends right now with him, my walls are still down and it's going to take some time and reconstruction to learn how to put them up again in a healthy manner (especially with him), but what I'm most afraid of, is learning to let them back down again. To everyone else that hasn't already reached past the sentries and spikes and gates, I'm impenetrable right now. No vulnerability, just defense.

It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do --put the walls back up. It took me years to take them down. Fortunately I am a weak and feeble nothing. And in my weakness He is strong...and whether or not I believe it (I don't yet), that is enough to get me through.

--Maggie Mae

Emotional Desires- can't earn love

Every girl wants to feel desired. They want to be told by some handsome someone that they are beautiful and attractive and that all the little flaws they carry around aren't that bad.

I'm no exception. I've never felt very attractive or beautiful. It comes from childhood scars that I didn't know were so deep..but that's another story for a different time. I've always tried to convince guys to like me so I could feel pretty....

Then last semester I found someone that should have by all means made me feel desired. I was wanted. I was desired. I should have felt beautiful and attractive and sexy and wanted. And I did....for a little while.

But after a few weeks the original excitement faded and my heart grew heavy with want. I wanted to feel desired...but wait...I had felt desired. I was being desired, why was I feeling this way?

I marched on, allowing this man to make me feel attractive in some way, hoping that every hang out would lead to my fulfillment. It never did, though. Every time I left, I felt a little emptier, my heart a little heavier.

Until the last time I left...and I cried. 

I felt so..unloved..so unhappy. Which didn't make sense. The world  tells me that the way our relationship worked, I should feel like the baddest mofo in town! I was desired! I should feel strong, beautiful, sexy! I felt all the opposite. Ugly, naked, vulnerable. 

That's when the Lord spoke what was true to my heart and I'm sure to many other women's hearts:

As women, we don't desire to be wanted only physically, we yearn to be desire emotionally as well. 

What a mind blowing reality! I wasn't fulfilled because at the root of wanting to be desired physically, is the desire to be desired emotionally.

I'm an emotional person, more so than most. My emotions are always on overdrive, so when I was happy, I was happy! But when that didn't last, my heart was devastated. Reality set in and I knew no matter what, I could not make this man desire me emotionally.

Joy is supposed to come in the morning (lamentations reference), yet all I felt was defeat when the sun rose. When it all ended with this guy, I didn't feel more unhappiness or more emptiness, I felt the same, lasting yearning to be desired emotionally. I still go through ways in my head to make him interested in an emotional relationship rather than just a physical thing...even though I don't want him emotionally, I want him to want me emotionally...I'm a very circular thinking person.

I think --scratch that, I KNOW-- our society has poisoned women's minds by telling us we will be given that emotional satisfaction if we do x, y, or z through chick flicks and other porn for women. We have this diluted sense of having to EARN that affection.

But it's all LIES!!!  We are desired in every sense of the word by the One True God! He literally gave His all for us thousands of years ago! (even if you don't believe in Jesus as the son of God, He did die for you...that was His intent while hanging out the cross. Whether or not He was legit, He died willingly for all of mankind. Let that sink in.)

I can't offer a solution to my own grief other than to start allowing the love of God to pierce my own heart. To be vulnerable with Him. And that is SO much easier said than done. I need to learn that I don't have to earn any kind of love. That it should be given as a gift without strings or condition. I honestly don't know what I actually can do that...and with the risk of sounding "Shit Christian Girls Say" cheesy, I can only do it with His strength, by faith and prayer and by giving it all to Him.

More thoughts to come on this subject, but for now I leave with this reminder and beautiful instruction:
Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient affliction, and faithful in prayer.

--Maggie Mae