All my life I have had this issue of comparing myself to those closest to me. "Oh she's prettier." "Boys like her, not me." "People like her better." "People don't care about me." All of the insecurities that come along with being a woman, or so I always assumed.
Then as I continued to observe these very women whom I compared myself to thinking they did the same thing and compared themselves continuously, I realized my actions were the strange ones. I was the ONLY one comparing myself. No one was sitting there saying, "She's not pretty enough like so and so." or "She'll never lose the weight." or "If she only acted like her she'd be more likable."
I WAS(AM) THE ONLY ONE THINKING THESE THINGS!
As I continued to wake up, literally and metaphorically, I realized another important thing. It doesn't matter what other people think. It shouldn't matter if NOT ONE PERSON said happy birthday to me today. I am a woman of God and I should be getting my identity from Jesus, not how many people posted on my facebook and said happy birthday. Even my closest friends, if they were to forget, why would that matter?
One moment of feeling unloved by the world should not negate the feeling and knowing of the eternal love I feel every day from God, from my living King.
I was upset my friends didn't get people at restaurants to sing happy birthday to me this past weekend (yes I made it known I wanted that). I was upset a friend I thought I might celebrate my birthday with was having a friend of ours plan her a picnic and no one thought to include me in that. I was upset my mom almost forgot to tell me happy birthday when I talked to her this morning. She would have remembered, but it's disappointing when you want to hear it the first phone call of the day.
But the first thing I did this morning --after my emotions were running high-- was walk into my back yard. The leaves are back on the trees, the vines are blossoming new flowers, honeysuckles line the fence, the hummingbird feeder was empty (refilled it), cardinals have nested in the honeysuckles, dragonflies and butterflies fluttered about, and my precious kitty ran outside and played in the grass. I was overwhelmed by the feeling the Lord gave me in just seeing some of my absolute favorite things all in one small location.
I knew in that moment, perhaps for the first time in my life, that the Lord truly SAW ME and truly LOVES me as an individual. Not because I'm friends with this person or that person or because I have a study bible or because I worked at this church or that. Just because I was Maggie Mae, and He loves that.
I feel better, obviously. I still care that people don't care for me the same way I would care for them on their birthday, but I'm not going to let it define my day or myself.
One last thought. On my birthday every year, I make my new year's resolutions because this is my new year. This year, I'm getting healthy. I want to be healthy physically, healthy emotionally, and healthy spiritually. The greatest part of those things though, is that they're continuous. In James it talks about letting perseverance finish so that we can be perfect. Well, here's some news. We'll never be perfect until the day Jesus comes back or the day we see Him face to face as we walk through those pearly gates. This year, my new year's resolution is more like a new life resolution.
Living in freedom and being set free.
--Maggie Mae
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