Undeserving of His love: saying Yes

I'm a horrible person.

No really, I am. I have this fantastic Man in my life that provides all I need every day. He gives me food, shelter, love, fulfillment, grace, guidance...well the list goes on.

And every day, I spit in His face. I can't even tell Him the simplest of yes's.

I was reading in Luke 1 the other day. Part of an advent thingy. I was overwhelmed by what I read.

God was asking Mary to do something that was unthinkable in her time: pregnancy before marriage. He asked her to be called a whore, a slut, a heathen all for His glory. While her cousin would be considered miraculous (Elisabeth becoming pregnant after "her time" aka menopause). Elisabeth's pregnancy would be astounding and feasts would be had in celebration! Congratulations would be in order, showers given, hugs received, help offered.

But not for Mary. Nope. she effed up. Everyone thought so, at least. She must have given into Joseph's lust or something. Speaking of, poor Joe. I mean...everyone was probably thinking, "Well you thought you were getting this righteous chick, but obviously she's some kind of temptress because she got you to drop your drawers or she's a cheating whore."

I can't imagine being part of the small circle that knew the truth! I'm sure they told everyone the truth, but even the truth isn't all it's cracked up to be and people often times don't believe it (I have the biggest issue with this ever..refer to my previous post).

Anyway, God was asking this of her. The hardest thing in the world for a 12-14 year old girl betrothed in those times. But she told him yes. She sacrificed her life, her good name, her everything for him. And she didn't even have the Holy Spirit with her CONSTANTLY!

It made me so sad to realize that the people in the bible like Mary, Moses, Elijah, etc etc that only had the Holy Spirit upon them for moments and they say yes and can move seas, call fire from the sky, have a baby without having sex!

And I get to live with the Holy Spirit daily. I get to have constant communication (not every now and again, but all the time) and yet, I can't say yes to the simplest of matters.

He's not asking me to birth the Savior of the world. He's not asking me to save every creature that is on the planet by building a massive boat. He's not asking me to wrestle some lion or bear or whatever and win. He's not even asking me to go stand on a street corner and proclaim His name with signs and tracts. All He's asking me is to be vulnerable with Him, myself, and others around me. All He's asking of me is to let Him love me in a way I can feel and relate. All He's asking is for me to live in obedience, and I can't even give Him that.

I suck. I don't know what I would do without grace and mercy.

I leave you with a favorite quote of mine:

Grace is when God gives us what we don't deserve; 

Mercy is when God doesn't give us what we do.

--Maggie Mae

That Moment You Wake Up Looking like Crap but See Yourself Through God's Eyes

Yesterday morning, I woke up and when I looked in the mirror I saw myself in a way I've never seen before.

The night before, I had done something I have only done perhaps a small handful of times: I allowed myself to vulnerable. A friend came over to work on a paper, and we talked. Like, really talked. One, it was a guy and I have never had "real talk" with a guy before. Didn't even think it was possible. Guys in my head are either d. bags or fake and have a secret motive to being my friend. There's no in between. So my friend was a serious refresher for me. Two, he told me about some of his struggles and I was so surprised to be able to relate. Guys have feelings, who knew?! They have real life insecurities too and hate being vulnerable just as much as I do.... He told me I was complicated, but that it wasn't a bad thing. I remember exactly how those words were said.

He looked at me and said, "You're so complicated..." (said with an unbelieving voice)
Me: "I know...(said in a "I know..i'm working on it.." way.)"
Him: "It's not a bad thing! It's good. You just take a lot of figuring out. (followed by an amazingly observant explanation of why I was complicated)."

Somehow I have come to believe that being complicated was bad. It meant I was too much for any man to ever want, too much for any friend to ever put up with and truly care for. I can't say I have ever felt so exposed with a guy before. It's like he just hopped the walls I put up and proceeded to go to the market or something. I became vulnerable and let him walk amongst the walls. It was good, necessary. It set the tone for the rest of the night.

Anyway, after we finished the paper and he left, I decided I needed to get out the house. I called my best friend and drove to her and we got to talking, as we often do, and again, that vulnerability crept up again. I cried a lot, the kind of cry that reveals what you're thinking and feeling no matter how you hide your face. She spoke a lot of truth and I tried to absorb a lot, though I don't know how much I absorbed rather than was just exposed to.

God gave her some surgical devices to get into my vulnerable heart and start some necessary procedures to eradicate lies.

Basically she put some serious truths into my head to mull over (yes mull because even though my head sees the truth and doesn't argue with it, my heart does). She revealed things I believe about myself and about those who claim to care about me. I don't like being vulnerable because I feel like people will want to throw a pity party for me. They'll say things like, "Oh I'm sorry you feel that way! I love you, do you know that? You are so beautiful!" and all the other things that come with exposing your insecurities. Thankfully she didn't do that. Neither did my friend from earlier that night. They accepted me and didn't expect anything in return. Something I've never believed possible. Maybe it's why I could be vulnerable with them.

But when I woke up Saturday morning, I was looking as rough as I felt. Makeup runs on my cheeks, hair sticking up at odd angles from sleep and so dirty it was straight, and wearing nothing but a thin tank top and soccer shorts. But when I looked in the mirror, I felt attractive. Not necessarily just beautiful, but actually attractive. 

Like someone could possibly be attracted to me, that someone could even love me just because I'm me and I wouldn't owe them anything. They would love me even though I'm complicated and emotional. I wouldn't have to change for them. 

If I had been married and my husband had walked in at that moment, I would have felt attractive no matter what. I would think he would wrap his arms around me and feel the same way about me. I've never felt that way before. I've never felt like I was attractive without having a guy objectify me or disrespect me....not even a guy telling me (generally) that he thought I was cute, but only if he was a jerk about it. I know it doesn't make sense..but...anyway..moving on....

I felt attractive that morning because I had been vulnerable. My definition of vulnerable is changing. I used to think I was "an open book" because I would tell people anything they wanted to know about me. But vulnerability isn't facts about yourself. It's the "whys" and the things you believe about yourself. Tears don't always mean vulnerability. Loud laughter doesn't always mean vulnerability. When you expose your heart, that's when you become vulnerable and it will carry over into how you view yourself because that's the way God views us.

We are ALWAYS vulnerable in His eyes because He sees past the facts and past the loud laughs and the strength we consider formidable. He sees our vulnerability every day and considers us attractive. Our vulnerability comes from the Holy Spirit that lives within our hearts, and when we are vulnerable with people and ourselves, we can see the Holy Spirit through our very own eyes and we can see the beauty and attractiveness that our walls tend to hide and we can share that with others as well.

It's not easy, to be vulnerable. But in our weakness He is strong. And if strength is attractive, God is the ultimate attractiveness and we should strive for weakness in this sense, so that He may shine through and we might be able to agree with Him and see ourselves through His eyes.

--Maggie Mae