No really, I am. I have this fantastic Man in my life that provides all I need every day. He gives me food, shelter, love, fulfillment, grace, guidance...well the list goes on.
And every day, I spit in His face. I can't even tell Him the simplest of yes's.
I was reading in Luke 1 the other day. Part of an advent thingy. I was overwhelmed by what I read.
God was asking Mary to do something that was unthinkable in her time: pregnancy before marriage. He asked her to be called a whore, a slut, a heathen all for His glory. While her cousin would be considered miraculous (Elisabeth becoming pregnant after "her time" aka menopause). Elisabeth's pregnancy would be astounding and feasts would be had in celebration! Congratulations would be in order, showers given, hugs received, help offered.
But not for Mary. Nope. she effed up. Everyone thought so, at least. She must have given into Joseph's lust or something. Speaking of, poor Joe. I mean...everyone was probably thinking, "Well you thought you were getting this righteous chick, but obviously she's some kind of temptress because she got you to drop your drawers or she's a cheating whore."
I can't imagine being part of the small circle that knew the truth! I'm sure they told everyone the truth, but even the truth isn't all it's cracked up to be and people often times don't believe it (I have the biggest issue with this ever..refer to my previous post).
Anyway, God was asking this of her. The hardest thing in the world for a 12-14 year old girl betrothed in those times. But she told him yes. She sacrificed her life, her good name, her everything for him. And she didn't even have the Holy Spirit with her CONSTANTLY!
It made me so sad to realize that the people in the bible like Mary, Moses, Elijah, etc etc that only had the Holy Spirit upon them for moments and they say yes and can move seas, call fire from the sky, have a baby without having sex!
And I get to live with the Holy Spirit daily. I get to have constant communication (not every now and again, but all the time) and yet, I can't say yes to the simplest of matters.
He's not asking me to birth the Savior of the world. He's not asking me to save every creature that is on the planet by building a massive boat. He's not asking me to wrestle some lion or bear or whatever and win. He's not even asking me to go stand on a street corner and proclaim His name with signs and tracts. All He's asking me is to be vulnerable with Him, myself, and others around me. All He's asking of me is to let Him love me in a way I can feel and relate. All He's asking is for me to live in obedience, and I can't even give Him that.
I suck. I don't know what I would do without grace and mercy.
I leave you with a favorite quote of mine:
Grace is when God gives us what we don't deserve;
Mercy is when God doesn't give us what we do.
--Maggie Mae
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