The night before, I had done something I have only done perhaps a small handful of times: I allowed myself to vulnerable. A friend came over to work on a paper, and we talked. Like, really talked. One, it was a guy and I have never had "real talk" with a guy before. Didn't even think it was possible. Guys in my head are either d. bags or fake and have a secret motive to being my friend. There's no in between. So my friend was a serious refresher for me. Two, he told me about some of his struggles and I was so surprised to be able to relate. Guys have feelings, who knew?! They have real life insecurities too and hate being vulnerable just as much as I do.... He told me I was complicated, but that it wasn't a bad thing. I remember exactly how those words were said.
He looked at me and said, "You're so complicated..." (said with an unbelieving voice)
Me: "I know...(said in a "I know..i'm working on it.." way.)"
Him: "It's not a bad thing! It's good. You just take a lot of figuring out. (followed by an amazingly observant explanation of why I was complicated)."
Somehow I have come to believe that being complicated was bad. It meant I was too much for any man to ever want, too much for any friend to ever put up with and truly care for. I can't say I have ever felt so exposed with a guy before. It's like he just hopped the walls I put up and proceeded to go to the market or something. I became vulnerable and let him walk amongst the walls. It was good, necessary. It set the tone for the rest of the night.
Anyway, after we finished the paper and he left, I decided I needed to get out the house. I called my best friend and drove to her and we got to talking, as we often do, and again, that vulnerability crept up again. I cried a lot, the kind of cry that reveals what you're thinking and feeling no matter how you hide your face. She spoke a lot of truth and I tried to absorb a lot, though I don't know how much I absorbed rather than was just exposed to.
God gave her some surgical devices to get into my vulnerable heart and start some necessary procedures to eradicate lies.
Basically she put some serious truths into my head to mull over (yes mull because even though my head sees the truth and doesn't argue with it, my heart does). She revealed things I believe about myself and about those who claim to care about me. I don't like being vulnerable because I feel like people will want to throw a pity party for me. They'll say things like, "Oh I'm sorry you feel that way! I love you, do you know that? You are so beautiful!" and all the other things that come with exposing your insecurities. Thankfully she didn't do that. Neither did my friend from earlier that night. They accepted me and didn't expect anything in return. Something I've never believed possible. Maybe it's why I could be vulnerable with them.
But when I woke up Saturday morning, I was looking as rough as I felt. Makeup runs on my cheeks, hair sticking up at odd angles from sleep and so dirty it was straight, and wearing nothing but a thin tank top and soccer shorts. But when I looked in the mirror, I felt attractive. Not necessarily just beautiful, but actually attractive.
Like someone could possibly be attracted to me, that someone could even love me just because I'm me and I wouldn't owe them anything. They would love me even though I'm complicated and emotional. I wouldn't have to change for them.
If I had been married and my husband had walked in at that moment, I would have felt attractive no matter what. I would think he would wrap his arms around me and feel the same way about me. I've never felt that way before. I've never felt like I was attractive without having a guy objectify me or disrespect me....not even a guy telling me (generally) that he thought I was cute, but only if he was a jerk about it. I know it doesn't make sense..but...anyway..moving on....
I felt attractive that morning because I had been vulnerable. My definition of vulnerable is changing. I used to think I was "an open book" because I would tell people anything they wanted to know about me. But vulnerability isn't facts about yourself. It's the "whys" and the things you believe about yourself. Tears don't always mean vulnerability. Loud laughter doesn't always mean vulnerability. When you expose your heart, that's when you become vulnerable and it will carry over into how you view yourself because that's the way God views us.
We are ALWAYS vulnerable in His eyes because He sees past the facts and past the loud laughs and the strength we consider formidable. He sees our vulnerability every day and considers us attractive. Our vulnerability comes from the Holy Spirit that lives within our hearts, and when we are vulnerable with people and ourselves, we can see the Holy Spirit through our very own eyes and we can see the beauty and attractiveness that our walls tend to hide and we can share that with others as well.
It's not easy, to be vulnerable. But in our weakness He is strong. And if strength is attractive, God is the ultimate attractiveness and we should strive for weakness in this sense, so that He may shine through and we might be able to agree with Him and see ourselves through His eyes.
--Maggie Mae
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