Food

Food.

It's like I can't stop. I eat it and eat it. i know what's bad for me, but everything that is bad I crave as soon as I sit down.

It's here. It's good and I feel like I need it. I haven't spoken about it with anyone in years because my bitch of a sister decided that she had the same "eating disorder" as myself and when I wanted to talk about myself for once, I was told I minimized her problems. But instead she minimized mine and took away my voice with it.

Since then I've been ashamed or scared to talk about it.

I think about food and weight on a constant basis. I try to talk myself out of the anxiety that goes with it, but it never works. Not entirely anyway.

I always feel like I should just work out. That will make it better. But I feel like if I work out and I'm not sore, it wasn't worth it. Then I hurt myself. And if I can't work out what's the point?

It just irritates me. I need to talk about this.

I need to figure out how to do this with god. I need to know how to glorify him with my body. And my confidence isn't the only way I need to honor him with my body.

But is do it for god enough? It should be. It REALLY should be.

I've given it to god over and over again. But...I always take it back. Why?

My Identity

the thing i love about writing is the exact same thing i hate about it.

writing gives me an outlet to bare my soul. to become naked with myself, god, and others.

it’s the most freeing thing i’ve ever experienced but also the most binding and terrifying thing.

but no matter how terrifying it is, i love it all the same.

just like a painter stares at their blank canvas until the first drop of paint is forced onto the white space, i stare at a blank page with a cursor blinking up at me until i can come up with the write words in order to paint the picture for my readers.

do i even have readers? goodness! what another terrifying thought. is this the right word? does this even make sense to anyone?

jeez. i just can’t even. i’m  a white girl now..and always..but especially now as i think how I can’t even do this. How am I supposed to become a writer and do this full time? How? Oh that’s right. there’s that little class thing that i just haven’t taken yet. I always have the best excuse for not paying $50 for the class but i can buy a $50 bag?! what is wrong with me.

I’m scared. that is what is wrong. But who am I failing? anyone but myself? no. i am not failing god, my mom, my teachers. i’m not failing anyone. not even myself because if I’m trying to actually achieve something and following my heart and dreams, then how am i failing?

the only sure way to fail is to not write.

someone told me being a writer did not identify me. oh how hard that was to hear! to be reminded and thrown back to earth...my identity can only come from one place....from one person and being. if it doesn’t come from him then i will find disappointment instead of fulfillment. GAH!

how real is that!? i hate that! see, the past couple years i’ve allowed myself to really enjoy who i am and a HUGE part of that is embracing that i love to write. i used to worry that it made me too geeky and complicated or that if people didn’t read what i wrote then i was no good and there was no point.

BUT THERE IS A POINT! the point is this is my passion. i love to write. even the feel of the keys pressing underneath my fingers, the accuracy in how i type, all of it just gives me a great thrill.

why do i feel like i have to wait for the muse to whisper into my soul?! the timing will always be wrong. i won’t always be able to find the PERFECT coffee shop with just the right atmosphere. i said i was going to pursue this. and so i am.

i will take that writing class...which is more of a “how to freelance” class.. but that’s okay and it’s a step in the right direction. (SO badly wanted to say “the write direction” just now. too much, yall.)

I don’t know how to make a blog boom. I don’t know how to make myself sit down and do good things, like write. I don’t know how to not go blank when I force myself to write.

But this happened, and this one isn’t so bad.

Guess I’ll have to keep going. Everyday. Try to write new things. Interview people. Jump off a bridge and write about it! i don’t know.

I’m just going forward here.

Here’s to God for giving me a gift that I love. As long as I remember that this isn’t my identity.

The Grass is Greener on the West Bank

It's truly amazing when perspective changes.

I've been working at a private practice medical office for almost 6 months now. I started when another girl a little older than myself was working too. She told me that it wasn't a great place to work because it was so negative.

Well I had resolved to stay positive. I'm one of the most positive people I know and I can put up with a lot. I AM the customer service representative! And I rock my job.

After about 1 month I was broken. I no longer knew if I was capable of keeping my attitude up. The office seemed to have turned against me. My friend and coworker that trained me and was kind, was leaving and going to a new office...with -let's say- incentives. She was going off to be happy. At the same time I came under fire with my other coworkers and the senior doctor. Everything was happening at once.

Then I was on my own. Just me in a little canoe paddling to try and beat the current. Suddenly I was awesome and everyone praised me for it.

I was exhausted, but doing it. Sometimes having more than one hundred patients in a day, I was doing it.

Then I finally, after a month and a half, got help and was able to take a deep breath and relax. This place wasn't too bad. I had someone to laugh with now and talk with throughout the day. Not to mention that I had help! I could slow down. Go day to day instead of week by week. This was gonna be great.

For a while, I really started to settle down with it. My anxiety with having everything done slowly faded away. We just dealt with our normal hostile patients when they came in and a wishy washy doctor that wasn't always so pleasant. My other coworkers complained about working there and I occasionally joined them. No big deal, this was normal.

People complain about their jobs and bosses. There's always awful customers to deal with. This is a job not a field trip.

Today I was asked to work in another location. I've heard mysterious rumors that this place was calm and the patients were super kind. But I never thought it would be as a drastic difference as I found it to be.

First of all, it's not a building that you walk into. The office is in a hospital so it's set up like a normal doctor office. Nurse's station in the back. Bunch of empty clean rooms. And a smallish waiting area.

Well, the first person came on time instead of 30 minutes before the doctor even showed up.

Then I sensed trouble when a man came in and his insurance had changed to something we don't accept. Was he awful and rude about it? No, he was understanding and didn't pitch this huge fit like others have done in my original office. I'm sure they do pitch fits here, but my first experience shocked me.

Then another nice lady came in and gave us recipes for some crawfish soup with a lovely note attached.

And every phone I answered, no one chewed me out for not being competent or not having an appointment for them RIGHT NOW or when it's convenient for them.

No one told me I was bad at my job. No one throw a fit in the waiting area. No one didn't want to pay their copay (well at least no one throw a tantrum over it going up). Everyone was patient and kind for the most part.

And I got to do what I needed to get done. If that meant call all the people for upcoming appointments, I got to do it. if I worked here long term, I'd be able to prepare for the next day without stressing that I didn't start the day or two before.

Don't get me wrong, I know they must have issues. The nurse hovers like a micromanager. They might not always have supplies or something. I don't know.

With all that being said, I hadhad no idea the environment I am in was so bad until I was out of it. I think this applies to so many areas of our lives. From relationships to work to driving over a rickety bridge!

We tell ourselves sometimes that this is all we deserve or this is as good as it gets. But that is NOT true. I deserve respect and appreciation, whether or not it's given is a different story. I deserve to work in an environment that allows me thrive instead of shrivel.

But it's more than thinking you deserve that, because maybe we don't. This is about knowing that there's hope and things can improve!

Today was good and bad for me. I don't think I'll ever want to get out of bed for the original office again, but I'm also hopeful that there's a better job somewhere for me. One with positive energy and where people want to be at work!

I can only pray it happens sooner rather than later.

Passion and Purpose

I’ve considered myself a writer for quite a while now. I’ve managed a simple blog since probably 2010. For someone in their younger twenties, I’d say that’s a pretty good run. I may not have been the best at continuing to update it weekly, bi-weekly, or even once a month, but when I did post something it was heartfelt and real.

I’ve always been overly open and honest, at least with my blog and with the small audience I had.

And now I should continue with my honesty.

I am going to start writing every day. 500 words per day. It sounds like such a small amount, and it really is. But when writer’s block creeps in, it can be debilitating looking at the blank page and the cursor that just blinks back at me.

My writer’s block is not just unable to think of something to write, it’s the fear of something being horribly written or loving it too much and not having anyone to rejoice with me about whatever adventure I am writing about.

But now I’m moving through that to something more. I’m embracing a challenge. 500 words per day. Even if I write “500 words a day” over and over, or just ramble about my life.

I can do this. It’s small.

A month or so ago, my pastor taught on finding your purpose and passion in life. I only feel fulfilled when I write or after I finish writing. It’s a small consolation to living life sometimes, but it’s always freeing. I feel like this is something I can do to glorify the Lord because I’m doing it because it’s what He made me to do.

Soon I’ll be moving to something other than just Christian focused writing, but I don’t think that means I won’t be glorifying him. Just doing what He wants me to and what He has created me to do.

Sounds great, but also terrifying. My heart clenches just thinking about it.

I have to move past this, though. This fear of not being able to do it. This fear of not being able to commit to something beautiful. I want this to be my year of commitment.

Commitment to writing, passions, purpose.

Isaiah 43 tells me that I should forget the past because God is doing something new in my life. Something that is healthy and will grow. And to cross reference Jeremiah 17, I’m going to plant myself by the River of Life and grow. I am looking forward. And possibly rambling. But I am used to writing just to write.

Well, this is me trying to sign off but also trying to reach the goal of 500 words.

I wish there was a beautiful quote I could end with. The only thing I can really think of is something I’ve been saying since the new year started. It’s not from a book or any famous person, just me and my own musings.

Take tomorrow’s risks today.

--Maggie Mae

A New and Exciting Adventure

I have some exciting and potentially terrifying news that I would like to share with you.

My resolutions for this year are simple. Obviously there's the "lose weight" one and the "watch less TV" one, but this year there's one more that I don't know I've ever decided to do and follow through on.

I'm going to pursue writing and photography with the hopes of creating a career.

GASP! No really, I'm going to try this whole thing out. I've had people tell me since I was a child how creative I am, how well I write, and how good I am with a camera.

Now, I know that it won't come with just talent. I will have to work at it. Learn constantly about the world of cameras, writing, photography, how to build up my skills and create what will essentially be a business.

Let me be very clear right now, I have no idea what I am doing.

All I know is that I love writing, and photography might be one of the best creative outlets I've ever experienced. More than that, I know that God has given me this as a way of sanity and love and excitement and something to truly experience Him through.

I've been miserable and bored for too long and now I'm ready to celebrate.

Can I remain really honest here? I'm petrified of this new step. My history of not following through with big events/ideas is very prevalent in my mind, and more than that, I'm afraid that the blogs I love won't be consistent. Will I love each and every one that I write?

But then I hear that still, small voice saying it doesn't matter. All I need to do is follow my passions and see where I end up. I have a feeling that even if this doesn't pan into a career, it will pan into something great, full of adventures and joy.

With all that, I'll be working on the new blog and photography site over the next month. Look for it's launch at the beginning of February.

EEK! That's real. And I'm telling people about it! That means I have to follow through, right?!

Anyway, join me on this adventure and I will gladly keep you updated. Pray Isaiah 43:18-19 with me as I trudge onward in this race.
Isaiah 43:18-19
Forget the former things;
    do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.

May God get all the glory.

Much love,
Maggie Mae