Dear Husband

Dear Husband,

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you look like. I don't know how tall you are or what color your eyes shine in the sun.

I don't know what your voice sounds like or where your parents are from. All I know is I love you but am so terrified to meet you, and if the Lord is good, as I know He is, He'll keep us apart for a time more.

I am in no way shape or form ready to meet you right now. My heart aches for you, some days you could even call it yearning, but most days, I'm afraid of meeting you. If I were to meet you right now, it'd be catastrophic. I'm just realizing the depths of my independence from God and my dependence on men.

I'm afraid of meeting you and not being ready to marry you. I mean, I know we wouldn't get married immediately or anything...not like this whirlwind romance (but that'd be cool ;P )...but I can't stand the thought of meeting you in this state, in this mess.

I'm such a mess! My heart wants to be lost in your eyes and rely on your strength. And all I hear you telling me is to stop talking and look to the Lord. I hear you telling me that you are nothing and that He is everything and I cannot rely on you because you're going to let me down. That you're only human and prone to falling short. You tell me that Jesus needs to be my one and only because you're going to disappoint me.

I hear you telling me how much you love me and how beautiful I am in your eyes. I hear the way you love the Lord and see me as He sees me with every single word you speak to me.

Even as I have this hypothetical conversation with you, I feel you encouraging me to be with the Lord and talk to Him about my issues before coming to you all boohooey.

I hear you telling me Jesus loves me more than you ever could. That He sees my heart in a way you simply cannot. I hear you sighing as I say you're right with a tearful eye.

But I also hear your laughter mixing with mine. I see you rolling your eyes at something absolutely absurd that I said. I see you taking care of me when I'm sick even though I'm stubbornly trying to clean or fix my own meals.

You have and continue to encourage me to look back to Jesus.

Oh my sweet, dear, hypothetical future husband. You're not promised to me and if we were to meet, well I hope it's far into the future because the Lord has a ton of work to do on my heart before we meet. I want my identity to be in Him before I meet you. I want my insecurities to be lost in His security and protection.

I can't wait to me you, if I ever do. I know God will do great things through our love, and through His love we will do small things that He will make great!

The curse is real, my dear. When God told Eve she'd have the desire for her husband to rule over her, well that's legit. It's a challenge every day and I'm on my way out of pretending like I'll ever be not a mess. My only desire is to learn to transfer my desire for you, to a desire for Christ alone. Because in reality, and I'm sure you would have told me this and will tell me this a thousand times over, Jesus is the only one that will ever satisfy me fully.

When we do meet, I'll still be a mess, but I'll be a mess with the Lord...which I kind of already am. Hmm...

--Maggie Mae

PS: how do you feel about being called "Pooky?" ;)

Welcome to My Quarter-life Crisis

I'm terrified.

I'm afraid of having to be a "real" adult. I'm in the stage of life where school is coming to a close, and while I'm thrilled about that, it's the only thing I've known for the past 17ish years. Soon I will have to get a job or freeload off my parents, and since living with my parents again makes me consider living in my car, I will have to become employed soon.

In May I will graduate with my Associate's in Business Management. Woo! But I've never managed a business and I have little to no "real" work experience. I have had numerous jobs, but have a horrible record with hating jobs and leaving them, no matter how much I excelled at them. It's a fear of being stuck there. I love so many things, how can I be stuck at one place for such a long time?

There's never been a job I could think of that I would love as my career. I would love to get married and have a child and be a stay at home mom..but not at 23. I want to have adventure in the next few years before any of that serious love stuff starts. I want to travel! I want to write! I want to do all these things that I said I would do before I was an "adult."

I don't know what the next year holds. I don't know what kind of job I should get or apply for. I don't know if I'll use my degree. My stomach churns at the thought of a cubicle...I have this idea in my head of the same thing every day, and it's quite literally nauseating. I feel like I haven't learned anything academic in the past 5 years that will help me land a job because of my "skills"...whatever they may be.

As I sit here in my piles of fuzzy throws, robe, and now cold coffee watching my day time TV shows (Roseanne currently, Sex and the City next), my anxiety and heart quicken.

In five months I will graduate. I will be expected to get a job and live a normalish life. I don't want a normal life, I want adventure. I want surprise and love and fun and a life of unexpectancy!

Oh god...I want a movie life. The thought of something else is just...unacceptable.

Then I remember that takes money, and I have none of that. So I'll get a job, then I won't have the time. I want a job that is fun, exciting, allows me to travel, and be who I am. I know others feel similarly, but I literally fear getting a normal job.

Praying for guidance, opportunity, peace, and clarity.

Welcome to my quarter-life crisis.
--Maggie Mae

Too Much Vulnerability

There is such a thing as too vulnerable. I've experienced it now twice in my life, the first time a friend that let every wall she had in place fall hard and ended up with some serious spiritual oppression. The second time is right now.

Last summer the Lord decided that I still wasn't good at vulnerability, which as a human is absolutely necessary for growth. In May, right after my birthday (April) I got to use a strange technique I like to call "defensive vulnerability." Basically, I was honest and truthful while continuing to be vulnerable with some walls in place for protection. Prior to my birthday this wouldn't have even been an option because I'm a stubborn fool, but for my birthday (when I make my new year's resolutions) I resolved to be myself no matter who it was in front of. Whether that meant family or friends or guys or whatever, I was going to be me and see things through and thus developed my DV. So, I was in my DV mode and things played out in my favor because that's what God's plan was (which was a rather large confrontation).

Then in June I met the guy from my last post. It just so happened I had every single wall down. I got lazy with protecting my heart and let the vulnerability run rampant. I was sharing my guts with him or things I "shouldn't" do, but my heart jumped at the opportunity to be desired emotionally which vulnerability is required for.

As time went on, I became more and more attached to said guy, not even romantically, but I was invested because he seemed to have accepted me as I was. He didn't ask for anything in return for my company...I had never had a man do that for me. There was always a price. This price seemed to be just me, and I thought I could afford that.

So I had to create a new compartment in my brain for "nice guy" next to my other compartments of "douche" and "extra big douche." There were no other kind of guys. Just bad or worse.

Flash forward (read the prior blog for more info) to where I am now. Devastated. Unfulfilled. Vulnerable on a new scale. And he knows how I'm feeling. He wants to be friends, because we always were, but what I just realized was I can't be friends with someone I was totally and utterly vulnerable with. I had no wise DV mode with him. I was too vulnerable. The kind of vulnerability that is complete transparency. The kind that deserves to be shared with one other person in a life and with the Lord. And while he's not the source of my strife (this has been a long time coming from scars deeper than space), it might not be easy for me to move on from him.

And I don't know if I can be friends right now with him, my walls are still down and it's going to take some time and reconstruction to learn how to put them up again in a healthy manner (especially with him), but what I'm most afraid of, is learning to let them back down again. To everyone else that hasn't already reached past the sentries and spikes and gates, I'm impenetrable right now. No vulnerability, just defense.

It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do --put the walls back up. It took me years to take them down. Fortunately I am a weak and feeble nothing. And in my weakness He is strong...and whether or not I believe it (I don't yet), that is enough to get me through.

--Maggie Mae

Emotional Desires- can't earn love

Every girl wants to feel desired. They want to be told by some handsome someone that they are beautiful and attractive and that all the little flaws they carry around aren't that bad.

I'm no exception. I've never felt very attractive or beautiful. It comes from childhood scars that I didn't know were so deep..but that's another story for a different time. I've always tried to convince guys to like me so I could feel pretty....

Then last semester I found someone that should have by all means made me feel desired. I was wanted. I was desired. I should have felt beautiful and attractive and sexy and wanted. And I did....for a little while.

But after a few weeks the original excitement faded and my heart grew heavy with want. I wanted to feel desired...but wait...I had felt desired. I was being desired, why was I feeling this way?

I marched on, allowing this man to make me feel attractive in some way, hoping that every hang out would lead to my fulfillment. It never did, though. Every time I left, I felt a little emptier, my heart a little heavier.

Until the last time I left...and I cried. 

I felt so..unloved..so unhappy. Which didn't make sense. The world  tells me that the way our relationship worked, I should feel like the baddest mofo in town! I was desired! I should feel strong, beautiful, sexy! I felt all the opposite. Ugly, naked, vulnerable. 

That's when the Lord spoke what was true to my heart and I'm sure to many other women's hearts:

As women, we don't desire to be wanted only physically, we yearn to be desire emotionally as well. 

What a mind blowing reality! I wasn't fulfilled because at the root of wanting to be desired physically, is the desire to be desired emotionally.

I'm an emotional person, more so than most. My emotions are always on overdrive, so when I was happy, I was happy! But when that didn't last, my heart was devastated. Reality set in and I knew no matter what, I could not make this man desire me emotionally.

Joy is supposed to come in the morning (lamentations reference), yet all I felt was defeat when the sun rose. When it all ended with this guy, I didn't feel more unhappiness or more emptiness, I felt the same, lasting yearning to be desired emotionally. I still go through ways in my head to make him interested in an emotional relationship rather than just a physical thing...even though I don't want him emotionally, I want him to want me emotionally...I'm a very circular thinking person.

I think --scratch that, I KNOW-- our society has poisoned women's minds by telling us we will be given that emotional satisfaction if we do x, y, or z through chick flicks and other porn for women. We have this diluted sense of having to EARN that affection.

But it's all LIES!!!  We are desired in every sense of the word by the One True God! He literally gave His all for us thousands of years ago! (even if you don't believe in Jesus as the son of God, He did die for you...that was His intent while hanging out the cross. Whether or not He was legit, He died willingly for all of mankind. Let that sink in.)

I can't offer a solution to my own grief other than to start allowing the love of God to pierce my own heart. To be vulnerable with Him. And that is SO much easier said than done. I need to learn that I don't have to earn any kind of love. That it should be given as a gift without strings or condition. I honestly don't know what I actually can do that...and with the risk of sounding "Shit Christian Girls Say" cheesy, I can only do it with His strength, by faith and prayer and by giving it all to Him.

More thoughts to come on this subject, but for now I leave with this reminder and beautiful instruction:
Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient affliction, and faithful in prayer.

--Maggie Mae