There is such a thing as too vulnerable. I've experienced it now twice in my life, the first time a friend that let every wall she had in place fall hard and ended up with some serious spiritual oppression. The second time is right now.
Last summer the Lord decided that I still wasn't good at vulnerability, which as a human is absolutely necessary for growth. In May, right after my birthday (April) I got to use a strange technique I like to call "defensive vulnerability." Basically, I was honest and truthful while continuing to be vulnerable with some walls in place for protection. Prior to my birthday this wouldn't have even been an option because I'm a stubborn fool, but for my birthday (when I make my new year's resolutions) I resolved to be myself no matter who it was in front of. Whether that meant family or friends or guys or whatever, I was going to be me and see things through and thus developed my DV. So, I was in my DV mode and things played out in my favor because that's what God's plan was (which was a rather large confrontation).
Then in June I met the guy from my last post. It just so happened I had every single wall down. I got lazy with protecting my heart and let the vulnerability run rampant. I was sharing my guts with him or things I "shouldn't" do, but my heart jumped at the opportunity to be desired emotionally which vulnerability is required for.
As time went on, I became more and more attached to said guy, not even romantically, but I was invested because he seemed to have accepted me as I was. He didn't ask for anything in return for my company...I had never had a man do that for me. There was always a price. This price seemed to be just me, and I thought I could afford that.
So I had to create a new compartment in my brain for "nice guy" next to my other compartments of "douche" and "extra big douche." There were no other kind of guys. Just bad or worse.
Flash forward (read the prior blog for more info) to where I am now. Devastated. Unfulfilled. Vulnerable on a new scale. And he knows how I'm feeling. He wants to be friends, because we always were, but what I just realized was I can't be friends with someone I was totally and utterly vulnerable with. I had no wise DV mode with him. I was too vulnerable. The kind of vulnerability that is complete transparency. The kind that deserves to be shared with one other person in a life and with the Lord. And while he's not the source of my strife (this has been a long time coming from scars deeper than space), it might not be easy for me to move on from him.
And I don't know if I can be friends right now with him, my walls are still down and it's going to take some time and reconstruction to learn how to put them up again in a healthy manner (especially with him), but what I'm most afraid of, is learning to let them back down again. To everyone else that hasn't already reached past the sentries and spikes and gates, I'm impenetrable right now. No vulnerability, just defense.
It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do --put the walls back up. It took me years to take them down. Fortunately I am a weak and feeble nothing. And in my weakness He is strong...and whether or not I believe it (I don't yet), that is enough to get me through.
--Maggie Mae
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