Dear Husband,
I don't know who you are. I don't know what you look like. I don't know how tall you are or what color your eyes shine in the sun.
I don't know what your voice sounds like or where your parents are from. All I know is I love you but am so terrified to meet you, and if the Lord is good, as I know He is, He'll keep us apart for a time more.
I am in no way shape or form ready to meet you right now. My heart aches for you, some days you could even call it yearning, but most days, I'm afraid of meeting you. If I were to meet you right now, it'd be catastrophic. I'm just realizing the depths of my independence from God and my dependence on men.
I'm afraid of meeting you and not being ready to marry you. I mean, I know we wouldn't get married immediately or anything...not like this whirlwind romance (but that'd be cool ;P )...but I can't stand the thought of meeting you in this state, in this mess.
I'm such a mess! My heart wants to be lost in your eyes and rely on your strength. And all I hear you telling me is to stop talking and look to the Lord. I hear you telling me that you are nothing and that He is everything and I cannot rely on you because you're going to let me down. That you're only human and prone to falling short. You tell me that Jesus needs to be my one and only because you're going to disappoint me.
I hear you telling me how much you love me and how beautiful I am in your eyes. I hear the way you love the Lord and see me as He sees me with every single word you speak to me.
Even as I have this hypothetical conversation with you, I feel you encouraging me to be with the Lord and talk to Him about my issues before coming to you all boohooey.
I hear you telling me Jesus loves me more than you ever could. That He sees my heart in a way you simply cannot. I hear you sighing as I say you're right with a tearful eye.
But I also hear your laughter mixing with mine. I see you rolling your eyes at something absolutely absurd that I said. I see you taking care of me when I'm sick even though I'm stubbornly trying to clean or fix my own meals.
You have and continue to encourage me to look back to Jesus.
Oh my sweet, dear, hypothetical future husband. You're not promised to me and if we were to meet, well I hope it's far into the future because the Lord has a ton of work to do on my heart before we meet. I want my identity to be in Him before I meet you. I want my insecurities to be lost in His security and protection.
I can't wait to me you, if I ever do. I know God will do great things through our love, and through His love we will do small things that He will make great!
The curse is real, my dear. When God told Eve she'd have the desire for her husband to rule over her, well that's legit. It's a challenge every day and I'm on my way out of pretending like I'll ever be not a mess. My only desire is to learn to transfer my desire for you, to a desire for Christ alone. Because in reality, and I'm sure you would have told me this and will tell me this a thousand times over, Jesus is the only one that will ever satisfy me fully.
When we do meet, I'll still be a mess, but I'll be a mess with the Lord...which I kind of already am. Hmm...
--Maggie Mae
PS: how do you feel about being called "Pooky?" ;)
Dearheart,
ReplyDeleteI could've written this. In fact, I did write this - essentially - a few years ago. It's part of a collection of letters I have to my some-day husband. I know this longing, mixed with anxiety. You want him - but you don't. And in many ways, that's a healthy place to be. To be self-aware enough to recognize that you have some healing to do in your own heart, is so, so good.
But let me tell you something you probably already know? There's never going to be a time when you feel completely "ready" to fall in love. Husband or no husband, we may always feel like we're a mess. It seems like it is the universal plight of women to perpetually feel as though we are not enough. But I'm gonna tell you somethin' maybe you don't know...
You. are. enough. Right here. Right now. In this moment. There is nothing lacking in you. You are beautiful, whole, complete. Perfect. The one who formed you in the womb smiles on you. He loves you so completely just as you are. He is not withholding ANY good thing from you - not even a husband. Your single status is not a punishment for not loving Him enough. You love Him! And guess what? He DELIGHTS in your love!
So rest in Him. Don't worry that your desire for a husband is a betrayal of your desire for God. It's not. God created you with that desire and to deny it would be to deny your humanity. If someone tries to tell you that you just need to lose yourself in Jesus before He will bring you a husband? Don't listen. That's unmitigated bullshit. Yes, love Jesus. Yes, seek to serve Him. There's nothing wrong with losing yourself in worship of Him. But He isn't in the trading business. He's a good Father who will withhold no good thing from you.
So look for the gifts. He gives them every day. It might take the form of a hug from a friend, a delicious thunderstorm, or the wind in your hair on a lonely country road. Every day, in these small ways, He is showering His love on you. He's telling you that you.are.enough. You are worthy of each gift because you are His.
And one day, who can say when, He may give you a husband. But it won't be because you've earned it, or because you're finally "ready", or because you've prayed enough or served enough and He's gotten all He can out of your singleness. It will be simply because He loves you. No more or less than all the other days when He gave you sunsets, and snowflakes and stars. Just because you are His child.
I pray that the truth of His love transforms you as it has me.
you're a gem! i have had this conversation so many times! i've told so many girls what you've just so eloquently wrote. haha thank you for the encouragement. our minds are obviously on the same page =)
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