Community Post- Rejection

Have you ever had to go completely against your gut even when it was screaming at you to turn around?

Ever look into a terrifying fog as it rose out of the forest, thicker than you can ever imagine? You can't see the second line of trees anymore and your feeling it close in and you know you should run away?

But you don't run away, and you don't turn around. You walk straight into it. It's honestly like an addiction.

Only a few days ago I ran head first into the fog. I felt its shroud and steeled myself. Someone I trusted and thought wouldn't hurt me, blew me off. Not for the first time either.

Something you need to understand about me is that once I'm all in, I'm all in. There's no one foot in and one out. I dive in and am committed. This person was a small group leader to me this past summer for a really deep curriculum. I cried all but two meetings....I'm telling you. All or nothing. It's why I can't gamble.

Then it happened. Something she had promised she wouldn't do...and maybe didn't do intentionally....

She begin to make plans with another girl in front of me and "swerved." She, for some reason or another, didn't want me to be a part of the plans.

When they left the church event, she told me she had early work...probably true. But not the reason to leave.

Of course through social media I found out it was a late night of fun activities. I felt the fog crush me and push me back into the weird little cabin I sit in as I decide whether or not I'm going to run into it or not.

All I want is community and to be included. I want to love and be loved and to see friends and have friends want to see me.

Unfortunately I haven't made it through the fog just yet, so I don't know what's on the other side. It might be more fog, denser, colder, heavier.

This isn't the first rejection of this kind either. It's just the most recent.

Why do I do this? I literally do it over and over again. I feel the rejection deep in my gut before it happens. I can read someone to see if it'll ever "happen" or if I will always just hover around the edges of their vision.

I will end on a lighter note. Every time I feel the rejection (mostly at church..which is the most unfortunate thing in the whole world), I pray for friends and community and for God to change my outlook on it. He has been changing my outlook substantially and providing others that feel the same exact way I do for the past couple years.

Even more, the biggest revelation of this post is, maybe I need to change my prayer. God has changed my outlook for sure, but maybe He needs to change my heart now.

My love,
Maggie Mae