What about me?

Lately my dad's been sick.

Back in probably January we noticed things starting to decline. He's 72 and not active so we blamed it on his sedentary life style. Move it or lose it is what I like to say.

But then he stopped eating because he felt pressure in his stomach. Then he started having other tummy troubles.

Finally, his doctor order an MRI of his abdomen after a colonoscopy showed nothing serious. Well, my dad didn't wait for the MRI and went to the ER. They found his sodium too low for comfort and couldn't regulate it for a while. Finally they regulated that but never solved his tummy trouble problems.

This whole ordeal was right before my birthday.

Within the next two weeks his pain got worse and we pleaded with the GI to do an endoscopy even though the scans in the hospital didn't indicate an ulcer. He was reluctant, but placated us.

Congrats, we found an ulcer! It wasn't exactly a needle in a hay stack either. More meds to add to my dad's 16 per day list. Does anyone look to see how they might affect him? Or affect each other? Nah. He NEEDS them.... --note my irritation--

It's been about 2 and a half weeks since we found the ulcer, and Dad has gotten worse. When he was in the hospital they sent a urologist in because my dad's 72 and the whole enlarged prostate thing happens and plus he has high blood pressure which your kidneys help to regulate and this guy was supposed to be THE guy to see. So he wants to take out the prostate.

Today Dad has his pre-op blood work done and they found his potassium high. Told him to go to the ER asap...Not news you want waking up from a nap as he was napping when my mom came home after getting that call. But it made sense. He was fatigued to the extreme and lethargic which are symptoms...but how are we supposed to know that? Even though I'm going into the medical field, I don't have anything close to that knowledge and yet I still feel guilty for making him get up and walk.

Anywho, that's the back story. It all sucks. A whole awful lot. It sucks more than just because it's my dad (which is the reason it sucks the most), but it also sucks because everyone forgets about those that have to live with the pain of watching their loved one wither away slowly. No one asks how my mom and I are dealing with this. And honestly, we're not doing so hot. She gets angry because she can't do anything about it. I get sad because...well it's sad and scary.

I'm also angry with God though. Let's be real. I'm confused. I want answers and I feel like we keep getting these quacks that just rely on scans and a few simple pricks of blood to tell them whats wrong. I get it! Medicine is amazing and has come so far and advanced and we shouldn't be invasive unless necessary, but when you have EVERY SYMPTOM OF AN ULCER and it just doesn't show up on the 3 scans you ordered with or without contrast, do a freaking endoscopy!

I cried today at God and said, "God, I know you have a plan, but right now I don't like it. "

I didn't cry the entire time he was in the hospital the week of my birthday. I did some deep breathing and got through it. He would be okay. After they figured it out, it would all be over. He would come home and be normal. He didn't. God didn't heal him.

Now, my mom is on stress level 90 in the ER with my dad, again. High potassium is terrifying. Nurses used to kill patients quickly, painlessly, and undetected with a small but lethal dose of potassium. When your body says it doesn't want to regulate it...I can't go there yet.

I keep waiting for God to make me go there. So far he's the only one asking how I'm doing, and I'm just shrugging and moving on. I can't answer. I don't know how. I'm falling apart.

I'm thankful I'm here with my mom for support, because she needs it. I'm thankful I get to see it all first hand and know that she's not crazy for being upset with the way things are. But it f**cking sucks.

I hate it at the very same time. My heart is heavy and my bones are aching. Every step I take right now requires a massive amount of effort. But I need to stay positive.

But being positive doesn't mean you're not sad.

Anyway, I'm not asking you to ask how I am, but I am asking you to remember the loved ones of the sick ones you know. They're having a difficult time. I promise. Take them to coffee and let them talk about the sickness in their way as long as they want without being overly positive or critical or anything. Just listen and ask questions. Ask them how THEY are, because they have answered for a long time how their sick loved one is and they DO APPRECIATE it. But they need some TLC too.

With love,
Maggie Mae