Walk with Me.

The other day, as I was praying about my walk as a Christian, God decided now would be a perfectly appropriate time to break through my carefully placed screen that blocked out His words to my heart while still allowing contact. It’s that screen that focuses on what you want and pushes what God wants for you to the back of your mind and the “dark” part of your heart. (You all do it, don’t even try to deny it. It’s why we’re human and He’s God.)

((Here’s a little background on me for you to fully understand why this message is so important to my heart. I have always struggled with body image issues. They started at an early age and continued as I grew up and grew wider. I have always had a distaste for what I look like and have always been incredibly insecure. God has been dealing with these issues slowly over time, but lately (within the past two years) He has upped His game and started really going to town.))

Two years ago, He broke into my heart and mind and helped me realize I have an eating disorder. I am an overeater and chronic dieter. He helped me see this. Like baptism (strange comparison but roll with me) is an outward sign of an inward change, so was overeating an outward sign of an inward something or other. The change here, however, was negative and affected me negatively. I ate for comfort. You may think, as I did," well just go to God. He’ll comfort you!"

Yeah! He does! but...I suck at life because I am human and pretending I can go "Nike" on this issue and “just do it” won’t and hasn’t worked. So I went to counseling for a bit. Worked through some of the whys. Turns out, I want to fix everyone (including myself) and when I can’t, I eat. When I eat, I gain weight.

When the number on the scale goes up, my insecurities increase in direct proportion.

Last semester (Fall 2012), I had a couple traumatic things happen in my life. My childhood pet died of old age and my aunt died right after. 

Those two together granted me the privilege of experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

You don’t have to go to war or be raped to have PTSD, it’s pretty subjective to the person dealing with whatever event has happened to them. For me, losing my loved ones was plenty enough to send me into a non-sleeping, non-eating, nightmare inducing, anxiety ridden life. I dealt with extreme anxiety (not sleeping, eating, becoming sick from not sleeping and eating, crying at the most random things [for instance I was watching a movie and when someone helped out another character, the water works started and escalated into a hysterical sob that could compete with Hurricane Katrina's down pours], etc) for about a month before I could let Jesus take it a little bit. I wanted to give it all to Him, but it was difficult for me to do. So I did my best and gave Him what I could, little by little. Eventually, I stopped crying over seeing grass and was able to sleep better. I still had my panic attacks occassionally, but it got better.

However, it’s been about 7 months and I’m still dealing with some anxiety issues.

Recall how I said I was doing my best to give God my anxieties, well, through this process,

I realized my biggest anxiety was my weight and body image issues.

They just so happened to become magnified after my PTSD subsided a bit and the anxiety remained.

Then, I went to Passion 2013.

Anyway, there, I finally prayed with a friend about my anxiety with my weight and overeating. When she prayed for me she helped me see the bondage I was in when it came to food, but it went so much deeper than that! It wasn’t just food, or the world's view of beauty, or how included/excluded I felt at a given time, this bondage to the anxieties and insecurities I am faced with is just a symptom of something more for me. My deepest “problem,” “scar,” whatever you want to call it, is my body image; how I see myself and how, through some crazy stupid “ugly” goggles (compare with the term drunk goggles), I think God sees me.

At Passion, I finally asked God how to lose weight. Haha...yeah after years of dealing with this issue I had never asked HOW. I always prayed what I should do when it came to losing weight and God has always remained silent, patiently waiting for me to reword my question and recognize what my heart was really asking.  

When you ask the right question because you listen to what your heart truly desires, God will be quicker than you think to answer. And He was! Jesus sat next to me and said, “Walk with me.” As I let that sink in, I began to over analyze it and say, “When? How long? How far? How much is my goal per week? Or is it just walking with You in spirit? Not literal? Etc. Etc. Etc.”

Know what the all-powerful God of the universe said back with His incredible wit?

“Walk with Me.”

Oh. Cool. Thanks God. Lots of specificness there. In reality I knew what that meant in my heart, but I didn’t like it so I allowed my mind to speak more loudly than my heart.  I decided that “Walk with Me,” meant reading the Bible, doing devos, etc. That worked, for about 3 weeks until the devo I was doing ended.

After that, the stress in my life started getting to me again. I started getting anxious and stopped praying as heartily, started blocking God’s voice in my head (put that screen in place that allowed my voice out but not His in), and started living in denial- all I had to do was count calories and be more likeable and all my worries would be gone. The scale began to tip (literally) unfavorably for me. I gained close to ten pounds in about two months. Then the insecurities increased to an amount I’m ashamed to admit. I lived in the filth of my anxieties for almost 3 months until I was driving in my car and said, “God. What did You mean? Walk with You?”

His answer to me felt like I was on an episode of "Hoarders: Buried Alive" and Jesus was hazmat-suiting up to go through my junk with me and dispose of the unhealthy burdens I lived with.

Jesus said to me:

“I said walk with Me. I meant that. Just like I told that man with the mat to get up and walk with Me. He did. Don’t you think he had doubts? Don’t you think people came to him years prior and said to him, ‘Why don’t you just get up and walk?’ The only reason he could do it for Me, was because I’m Me! He knew it was possible because He knew I would provide the strength he needed. If I command it, I’ll give you what you need to achieve it. I’ve asked you to walk with Me. I want your mornings. I’m gracious though, I understand it might not happen at first. But still walk with Me. I will provide you the sleep you need, the time you need, the energy to walk you will need, the healing from the injuries walking for the first time consistently may cause, the protection from excuses and doubts the enemy will undoubtedly send, the focus to get the things you need to do done when you're tired from walking with Me, and anything else you'll need. When I asked that man to get up and walk, I gave him muscle. I gave him strength. I gave him balance.

Also, if weight is a direct relation to your body image issues, and those issues distract you from Me, then leave them behind and follow Me. Just like with the young rich man, I asked him to leave the belongings that had distracted him from Me and My love. If weight is doing that for you, leave it behind, literally. I want you to love you as I love you. By walking with Me, you will leave this weight behind, literally and figuratively. Don't you think he messed up? Don't you think there were times he wanting to return to his old ways? Times he DID return to his old ways? But I was still there. ready to be there for him and help him overcome. The same goes for you, I won't abandon you in your struggles.

So, Maggie Mae, my daughter of stubborn proportions, listen to Me as I say PICK UP YOUR MAT AND WALK WITH ME AS YOU LEAVE BEHIND THE ANXIETIES THAT MAKE YOU MISS WHAT I HAVE FOR YOU.”

Yes, Jesus told me all that. Yes, Jesus speaks to us. And, btw, all of that is BIBLICAL. It’s how I rest assured it’s from God. I would have never in 100 billion years cross-reference those verses.

So, I did. I tried to wake up one morning, but it was raining and I got a sore throat (hmm, irony? or enemy?). So I continued to sleep and when I woke up, it wasn’t raining anymore. Wasn’t bright and shiny out, but wasn’t raining. My throat hurt, but I didn’t wanna waste this opportunity to walk with God (definitely supernatural because Satan STILL tried to get to me with small things like “what if it starts raining and your cell phone gets wet? you don’t have headphones, what if people hear your Jesus music while you walk?“). So I went to the levee around 11am (IN THE MORNING! HAHAHA sorry I found that funny that God had told me He wanted to meet me in the morning and I just assumed that it had to be pre-dawn.)

We started walking and He said not to worry about the finish. He didn’t tell me when I could stop or where or whatever. I walked and listened to worship songs (Jesus culture pandora for the win!) and when I started having those excusatory thoughts, I just turned back to focusing on the music that, in turn, made me refocus on God, and that motivated me. He was right, He’d give me the energy, the motivation to succeed, and the ability to strive past the pain from walking for the first time in a while.

Then, He gave me this spot. He pointed to a spot that was after a dip in the levee and I had to walk up the height of the levee. There hadn’t been any benches in a long while,

but when I got to the bottom of the dip, I looked up to see (wouldn't ya know it?!)...a bench.

I started laughing because God knew it was there but I hadn’t been able to see it because of the large obstacle in my way that caused the dip. Can we say Jesus wants us to live in the moment and not worry where the next “bench” is?

When I got there and stopped for my break, I listened to whatever He wanted to say. He told me to look from where I came. I was astonished by how far I’d come! I had walked for 17min with no thought of distance or time. I just did what God asked. Then He, the little trickster He is, told me to calculate the mileage. I had walked an EXACT MILE. Which meant I had one more to walk to get back to my starting point.

HAHAHAHAHA! I was blown away. Only the God of the universe could play the sweetest joke on you and make it perfect. (2 miles is a general starting point for beginner walkers/joggers).

By the time I’d walked back, my ankles ached, my shins hurt, and I was tired. But I felt accomplished. I’d listened and done what God asked and I felt...good. Really good. Maybe He added a few extra endorphins into my blood from that walk, but I was feeling good. ;)

So, here's to a new start. I decided last year (my 21st year) would be my “get the crazy out of your system” year. I feel like I accomplished that pretty well (if you know me, you probably agree haha). I decided my 22nd year would be achieving health. I know all my problems won’t disappear in a year, but this year will be the biggest stepping stone towards health- physical, spiritual, and emotional health- that I’ve ever done.

My mantra stays strong, especially as I start this new little...thing of obedience:

God never promises easy, He promises the best.

--Maggie Mae

PS-

if you wanna hang out and be healthy together cool, but I'm a bit done with the empty "let's work out" together things. Please don't say anyting unless you have a plan to follow through on it.....just sayin.